Season 16 — MARIA WALDKIRCH

I genuinely almost started crying when I first heard Chris Harrison’s sweet, sweet voice coming through my TV. Three times a year (four if we count Winter Games, which, apparently we don’t?) I get to absolutely turn off my brain for two hours at a time. What a gift this return is.

If you’ve somehow successfully avoided spoilers for this season - it was like in People honestly, sorry to this man (this man is Reality Steve) - I’ll try not to spoil it for you. Though, let’s just say the editing of episode one was very ~clear~. Without any further ado, let’s jump in!

We spent literally 40 minutes talking about how COVID changed everything - Chris said that this “whole thing” took “a lot of testing”. I sure hope so, in more than one way. We do a quick recap of Clare’s four appearances on Bachelor related shows, but somehow end up leaving out the fact that she was ENGAGED to a FRENCHMAN named BENOIT. We do not stand for this Benoit erasure. Chris facetimes Clare in February of this year, an entirely different world than now, and I can’t help but wonder why the eff Clare is holding her phone at the least flattering angle possible. She looks okay though.

Maybe my favorite part of this episode is that there’s literally a lower third that lets us know that all the footage we’re seeing is during “SHELTERING AT HOME APRIL 2020”. We know. After several months of Clare in her, honestly lovely, house, baking cookies, playing with her dogs, and generally feeling like her chance at love is gone, Chris facetimes her again to let her know they’re starting to film in a few days.

We find out that they won’t be at the mansion this year, but instead will be in La Quinta, CA at the La Quinta resort? If I’m honest, I’m 90% sure it’s the location I picked up my Coachella wristband when I, yes, went to Coachella. I can surprise even myself sometimes! The main advantage of this season is that Clare gets to bring her dogs. Let them sniff out the men and honestly hand out the roses. Actually, I take that back, the MAIN advantage of this season is that Chris Harrison personally delivers COVID test results a respectable 8 feet from your door.

Now that Clare’s officially COVID free, it’s time to meet a few of her men. They all arrive at the resort and have to quarantine alone in their rooms for several days until they get multiple negative COVID test results. Honestly, most of them are very annoying, and I absolutely want to see the footage of the 10 or so men they brought in as a backup plan, but who did not make the show. Rumor is that for Matt’s season, which is filming right now, they brought 40 WOMEN in the event of a COVID outbreak. Too many.

I was worried, but thankfully La Quinta (I keep wanting to call it La Quinta Inn which is a decidedly different room and board situation) has a great big driveway. They forget to wet it - sorry, gross sentence - but it does seem easily accessible by limo and that’s all that really matters. Clare is in a very sparkly dress, ready to meet her men, when Chris Harrison makes her go talk to him inside for awhile. LAME. 🙄

Clare tells Chris that this has been quite a buildup for her and she’s very excited about finding her future partner. Chris reminds us it’s been 7 years since Juan Pablo’s season, which is truly shocking to me. She’s proud of herself for how she handled good ole JP and says her dad would be proud of her. She does want to be engaged at the end of this, and honestly I want this for her, too. I’m neither a Clare fan nor a hater, but I really, truly don’t ever want to see this woman on a show from this franchise ever again.

Here come the limos! Ben is first and he asks her to take a deep breath. She takes the time to ask him how he is, too, which I appreciate. Next is Riley who is an attorney and has found Clare guilty for looking beautiful. Zac C is an addiction specialist, which I accidentally first read as an “addition specialist”. Jordan M. is extremely tall, is wearing suede shoes, and is a cyber security engineer. Now, I had totally forgotten about Clare’s first entrance because it was SEVEN years ago, but she pretended to be pregnant, which Jason did, but it obviously...didn’t work quite as well.

Ivan is an aeronautical engineer and he’s very cute and speaks to Clare in Tagolog. So, Kenny is next, and the literal note I wrote was “he seems way too young to be here” and then SURPRISE HE’S 39. Okay, come on age appropriate choices. He’s also a boy band manager? The internet in the past few days has revealed to me that’s barely true. He also made a gross shirt and she asked to pet it.

Brendan has a bowtie, Mike brought a change of shoes for her, and Jeremy is a 40-year old banker. BLAKE MONAR is a male grooming specialist and is this the first time we’ve ever required last names? Tyler C. drives up in a station wagon followed closely by Bennett who drives up in a Rolls because he SUCKS AND WEARS SCARVES. GET OUT, BENNETT.

BLAKE MOYNES is a wildlife manager, Chris is 12 years Clare’s junior and seems boring, and AJ just openly tells her that he makes bad first impressions. Joe wore a stethoscope because he’s an anesthesiologist and I just gotta say, he should have brought his buckets of money instead. More effective. Garin is fun, Robby is boring and literally square, and then Eazy pops out full force. I love Eazy. He’s rocking a salmon suit and seems truly fun.

Jay wore a straight jacket, which he believes proves that he’s dedicated? To insanity? WTF Jay? Chasen is wearing a full suit of armor - oh no, I’m sorry, he was wearing a full suit of armor, but he immediately disrobes. Demar brought a parachute, Ed comes in a bubble, and Yosef brought moon pies. Once the guys see that Jordan C. brought popcorn, someone mentions that it’s turning into a potluck, and honestly, I would love that twist on the opening night.

Poor Zach J. He brought a fart ring in a box, no other way to say it. Brandon kisses her on the cheek and she seems to like it until: DALE. Dale is very big and strong and honestly seems sweet, so sweet that she says “she knew it”, whatever that means. When he walks into the house, she even claims that it feels like she just met her husband. I mean, damn. She’s so overcome with emotion that they send in Chris Harrison to see if she’s okay, which I guess she is, and he’s like “uhhh, there’s still more”. Poor Dale. And poor producers. This pacing is bad now. Page, a chef, and Tyler S., a music manager, have to, unfortunately, bring up the rear.

So that’s all 31 men - as she walks into the hotel lobby, transformed into a living room of sorts, she tells them that she knows what she wants and knows her husband is in this room. Nothing is better than the literal standing ovation she gets when she walks into the room though. She says that it’s hard coming out of quarantine and not being able to hug anyone and she got emotional this morning thinking that it might be the last morning alone. I mean, it’s not, but okay.

Some guy grabs her first, but I don’t know who it is and their conversation isn’t that interesting. Next is my fave Eazy who asks her what she does when she needs to refocus? I never knew that was a question I wanted a man to ask me, but now it is.

Clare and Dale find a literal waterfall (of course) and they start talking as if they’ve known each other for years. Maybe they have? She tells him that quarantine has been challenging with her mom in a care facility and Dale tells her that he has a sister that has underlying health conditions, so he hasn’t been able to see her either. Dale, embarrassingly, admits that he was watching Good Morning America the morning she was announced as the Bachelorette. He also claims to be an empath, which I literally hate, but whatever.

We’re taken from Dale for only one reason which is: DOGS. The dogs are here! Or just one dog? It’s the golden retriever, which is the only one I care about, so I’m fine with it. Clare says that these guys are here for a “reason, a season, or a lifetime”. I mean, yes, go off, Clare. She has a few more conversations with guys before the first impression rose shows up, which Yosef promises he’ll receive. Sure, okay, Yosef.

Tyler C. claims that he knows something about Yosef that will be bad? I guess Yosef was being “reckless” on Instagram, which I guess means he was talking to girls on there. Tyler C. does confront Yosef right away to tell him, which I do believe to be the right thing, but then Yosef interrupts Clare and has to tell her all about it. NO. I DON’T WANT THIS. DON’T WASTE MY TIME, YOSEF, I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SEASON FOR 5 MONTHS.

Clare sits both of them down and asks if there’s a girl that thinks she’s Yosef’s girlfriend (he says no) and then she tells them that she can’t spend anymore time on this. It’s honestly very lame. Tyler C. and Yosef suck. Especially Yosef, but still both of them.

While Tyler and Yosef talk about reckless Instagram activity, Clare sits down with Blake Moynes who we find out reached out to Clare to check up on her during the quarantine. Seems nice? In any event, Blake Moynes gets the first kiss of the season which seems to come out of absolutely nowhere, but good for him.

Clare then grabs the first impression rose and, of course, beelines for Dale. She gives him the rose, he says that he’s nervous and then they kiss and it’s all very ~cute~. His teeth make me feel insecure above all.

Because of all the nonsense with Yosef and Tyler C., Clare doesn’t get to talk to all the men, but no matter, it’s time for the rose ceremony! I can’t believe it’s already time, but here we go, first ceremony of the season! Congrats to: Blake Moynes, Eazy (!!!), Ben, Riley, Zach J., Tyler S., Joe, Jason M., Demar, Chasen, Jordan C., Blake Monar, Kenny, Brendan, Garin, Ed, Bennett, Zac C., Jay, Brandon, Ivan, and Yosef. Gross, Yosef sucks. Unfortunately we must say BAI to men I have absolutely no memory of ever seeing including Tyler C. and AJ who lived up to his legacy of leaving bad first impressions. Clare toasts to what she says will be an “unreal experience”. Can’t wait!

This season on The Bachelorette: Clare does what she wants to do when she wants to do it. She makes out with someone in bed, she wants a man with balls, and she has lots of feelings for Dale. One of the guys says that he “expects more” from the “oldest bachelorette”, which deserves a swift kick in the gonads. Clare won’t apologize for love, she blows up the Bachelorette, and she’s FULLY GONE. This season is SURE to be a wild ride. See you next week!