The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 7

This week on The Bachelorette: THE BAHA MEN ARE BACK, BABYYYYYY! Also, Blake is tortured, Jason isn’t vocal enough, and we’re about to find some skeletons in Colton’s closet. Let’s jump in before Blake cracks!

First of all, the music in the intro of this episode is insanely ominous. It’s like they told a local Bahamian composer approximately the vibe they were going for (uncertain, love, Reality TV) and he did his best. Becca feels really good this week, maybe because they’re staying at the lovely BAHA MAR! I think I’ve officially decided that it is my life’s purpose to visit every hotel they’ve ever visited during this franchise. Becca apparently wants to move to the Bahamas, which seems unlikely, but she’s also falling in love! Also, do they ever explain where in the Bahamas they are? I think not. It’s a relatively large place, I need some additional specificity. 

Becca sits down with Chris Harrison who can apparently “feel” her excitement. Gross. She’s looking forward to no more drama this week because she says the 6 guys she has left get along really well. That actually seems to be true! We find out, again, that she’s falling in love and she feels like this is working so much more than she ever expected it to at this point. She’s falling for a couple of guys here and she’s nervous because she knows she can only end up with one person. YOU SURE, BECS? CUZ THAT’S WHAT WE THOUGHT AND THEN, SURPRISE, ARIE FOUND A LOOPHOLE. Also Jason, but we’re all still fine with that because Molly’s great and said more than 19 words. 

We get some brief B-Roll of Becca reiterating that meeting someone’s family is super important and is not something that she takes lightly. Colton says that meeting his family is a big step for him because family is the “number 1” thing in his life. Wills is feeling pressure and BLAKE MIGHT DROP THE “L” WORD THIS WEEK OMG!!!!! Thank god because I’m still LIVID that we genuinely had 0 Blake time last week. It just doesn’t make sense! 

Becca walks into their hotel room at the BAHA MAR (maybe I should just start an additional blog deep diving into the Yelp reviews for these hotels??) to tell the guys that there will be no rose ceremony this week. Instead, there will be a rose on each of 4 dates - 3 one-on-ones, and one group date. Speaking of: the first date goes to Colton! I’m genuinely surprised! Blake and Garrett both look genuinely SO mad. Not only are they pissed that they didn’t get the first date, but also because “none of us can see her with Colton”. I can’t disagree! We’ll talk a lot about Colton and Becca today, of course, but in general, I’ll preface this entire date by saying that I love Colton, but in no way are he and Becca meant to be together so I’m kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about literally that happens with them. Colton and Becca leave and the rest of the guys all want to know if Colton will bring up his secret. 

Now comes one of maybe a million conversations about virginity which I have major issues with - first of all both Garrett and Blake say they’re “blown away” by Colton being a virgin. Garrett, I understand because he’s trash, but Blake??? Look, I get that it’s surprising, but my god, everyone needs to chill out. Garrett goes one step further and says that if Becca finds out that Colton is a virgin, she’ll probably be “turned off”. I mean, look, it’s a huge part of life and a huge part of a decision to spend the rest of your life with someone but can everyone just calm the eff down? Like my god. 

We move on to just seeing Colton and Becca and I’m lol’ing this whole episode about how thirsty they’re making Becca seem - she calls him a “hunky man” and says that Colton could “pick [her] up and do whatever”. Go, girl. The two of them end up on on a boat and I’m GENUINELY worried because it seems that Colton was not prepared and doesn’t have swim trunks? Ahhh!!! They hang out for awhile on the boat and make out a bunch and then Colton begins to open up and it seems like we’re about to find out that Colton’s officially a virgin! But wait! A native Bahamian man on an extremely colorful boat! the man boards (pirates) the boat and we find out that Becca and Colton are going to diving for conch! What comes next is just far too many uses of the word “conch” as well as talk about how it’s “The Bahamian Viagra”. 

Luckily, as they dive into the ocean, we see that they at least found some athletic shorts for Colton and, surprise, or really, not surprising at all, but Colton is very good at diving for conch. they get back on the boat and the Bahamian man makes both of them eat the pistol, which they both objectively hate. There are so many reasons I love that Colton got this date - one, of course so we could talk about sex truly as much as possible, but also (spoiler alert) because on the next one-on-one date, the sea plane that Garrett and Becca get on is literally called the TIA. GREAT. JOB. PRODUCERSSSSSSS! 

Alright, anyway. Becca has clearly been affected by the pistol because apparently Colton is easy on the eyes and at this point he’s “definitely getting the rose” unless he drops some huge bomb. They sit down to dinner and they stalk some more about conch before he says that there’s a conversation he wants to have because it could be a potential roadblock. He tells her that this is something he hasn’t talked about very often and he has struggle articulating - as he’s told her, he’s put his professional life in front of his personal life and has really only had one serious relationship. Because of that, Colton reveals that he’s a virgin to which Becca responds, “REALLY?” with a disappointed look? Much can be said about how uncomfortable she looks and how she says that she’s glad he told her and that she doesn’t want to pressure him or push him too far out his comfort zone, but then THE BITCH LEAVES. According to her own Twitter, she just went to the bathroom, but I’m not sure. 

I talked about this with a friend, but I have extremely mixed feelings about this whole scene. On one hand, shout out to Colton for talking about how he’s lied about this in the past, but it’s something that he accepts now and is something he’s proud of. On the other hand, I don’t love Becca’s reaction, but on the other other hand, I have a huge problem with anyone being expected to react a certain way or say something in particular. This is a big piece of information - it’s something that will certainly affect the future of her relationship with this guy and no, her reaction wasn’t perfect, but who is anyone to say that they would react more appropriately than Becca did. Ugh, I don’t know, I could talk about this for truly 9,000 more words, but I’ll leave it at this: I’m proud of Colton for talking about this, Becca could have done better, maybe, but also they’re not meant for each other, so let’s all move on. 

Blake and Garrett, back at the BAHA MAR, talk about how they wouldn’t put a ring on a finger without knowing if there’s physical compatibility and they both say that they think she’ll send Colton home after finding out. 

Becca finally returns to the table and asks Colton if his girlfriend (Aly Raisman, let us all remember) was on the same page as him as far as sex. We don’t really get an answer to that, but we do find out that he’s not waiting for marriage, he’s just waiting for the “right heart”. She grabs the rose and says that he’s given her a lot to think about today, but she wants him to know that she would never judge him or think less of him for being a virgin (hmm) and she wants to meet the people that made Colton who he is. Colton believes that him getting a rose is a sign that Becca accepts him for who he is. I honestly hope so!

Back at the BAHA MAR, time for another date card! “Garrett: Love is in the air…Becca”. Honestly, honestly, I feel bad for Blake. Like the dude hasn’t gotten a date in 6 WEEKS and he’s just forced to sit in this beautiful hotel worrying that the woman he loves is falling in love with a bunch of other guys! Yeah! That’s the premise of the show! He goes so far as to say that this is a “slap in the face”. Colton suddenly walks back into the BAHA MAR with a rose on his chest and all the guys kinda fall silent. Shoutout to Jason: “Unfortunately, none of us want to ask you what you did.” Colton does tell the guys, though, that it was a game changer. 

Garrett runs up and finds Becca on a beach and she tells him that they’re “going to do the whole Bahama thing”, whatever that means. They board a seaplane, which I’ve already told you is named “Tia” and it makes me laugh so hard. Poor Jason and Blake are on the balcony at the hotel and watch the damn sea plane take off and they’re both very sad about it. Honestly, truly, it seems like an EXTREMELY turbulent plane ride. Every shot they get is SO shaky. 

Eventually the plane lands, very dangerously, and the two of them just hang out on a private island and THEY KISS WHILE THEY’RE NOT FACING THE SAME WAY. JUST A TRUE PET PEEVE. FACE EACH OTHER, I PROMISE IT WILL BE BETTER. AND EASIER IN GENERAL. We find out that Becca just feels “pulled towards” Garrett and she doesn’t feel like they’re moving too fast, it’s just fun and natural between them. They have this kind of weird conversation about how Garrett is always putting on a brave face and never seems down and discouraged and then he says that he could count on “less than 1 hand” how many times in his life he’s actually been down and discouraged. First of all, pure lies, second of all “less than 1 hand”? It’s just a very weird, not at all natural, conversation where I think I finally realized that Becca is just ignoring truly every red flag about this guy. GET OUT NOW, BECCA. HE’S BORING AND A FASCIST. MAYBE THE WORST COMBINATION. 

Back at the BAHA MAR, Leo says that if you get the last one-on-one it means that Becca definitely likes you more than the guys on the group date. Speaking of! “Blake: You make my heart skip a beat…Becca” FINALLY. Blake says that he was barely holding on and this jolted him back to life. Also, Blake is still calling Becca his girlfriend which is both the best and absolute worst of all time. 

At dinner with Becca and Garrett, Becca says that she wants to make sure her relationship with Garrett is more than just physical. 👏🏻GARRETT👏🏻IS👏🏻NOT👏🏻ATTRACTIVE👏🏻I👏🏻TRULY👏🏻DON’T👏🏻UNDERSTAND👏🏻HER👏🏻ATTRACTION👏🏻 She asks him who she would be meeting if he brings her home and he says his mom, dad, brother, sister, and grandma. Also the last woman he brought home to meet his family was his ex-wife and OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT HE’S DIVORCED. He says that he hasn’t really had a serious relationship since he got divorced and then we move on to maybe the most infuriating conversation. He says that the “reason” they got married was because he was young and immature and just wanted a family - oh yeah, also his ex-wife used to “act out” and was “hot blooded” and OH MY GOD, HE’S THE WORST HUMAN. The complete and total lack of responsibility for his failed relationship is I N F U R I A T I N G to me. 

Maybe equally infuriating to me is that Becca seems to vocalize literally everything that could possibly be wrong with Garrett and then just fully moves on without acknowledging that her gut is right. First, was on the beach when she was concerned that he always puts on a brave face, and second is at this dinner when she straight up tells him that she’s worried that he would just not acknowledge any issues simply because he likes the idea of this working out. GIRL. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID. YOU LIKE THE IDEA OF GARRETT MORE THAN THE ACTUAL MAN. THINK OF BLAKE!!!!! Literally he has no good response to this statement and just says that he likes that they’re “fiddling” right now and I just hate him so much. She gives him the rose and says that she’s excited to meet his family and find out why he’s a “stand-up man”. BUT HE ISN’T THOUGH. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The two of them truly jump into the ocean to make out and I’m just so externally upset. You should see how physically hard I’m typing right now. 

FINALLY SOME BLAKE TIME!!! LET’S FORGET ALL ABOUT GARRETT!!!! Becca and Blake head to a beach party where the REAL ACTUAL BAHA MEN ARE PLAYING. I honestly can’t believe they got them on this show. I’m stunned because WHAT THE HECK BLAKE IS AN INCREDIBLE DANCER?????? It’s honestly insane how great he is and how naturally they dance in a casual setting. That’s extremely hard to do! Becca says that dancing with Blake makes her feel so alive and she feels like she’s glowing from the inside out. 

They sit on the beach and make out because they love kissing each other more than anything else and when they’re forced to take a break, they just talk about how lucky they both are to be here. Blake tells her that he got in his head this week and started to question how she felt about him. When she saw him in the hotel room, she could see that it was hard for him - more proof that they understand each other beyond words. AM I ROMANTICIZING THESE TWO TOO MUCH? OH WELL! Becca says that he can even sympathize with Arie now because she realizes how easy it is to care about more than just one person and then, not to his face, but to a producer she says that she FEELS THE MOST STRONGLY FOR BLAKE!!! 

Final date card: “Wills, Jason, Leo: These days are never easy…Becca”. We also find out that Colton would simply prefer Blake’s bag to get pulled and apparently these guys think that there’s something that Blake hasn’t told Becca yet? Hmm. 

Before dinner, Becca says that she loves that Blake to her that he’s struggling so much and she found that attractive. They sit down to dinner and she tells him that she didn’t know he could move like that and HARD SAME. She wants to know more about his family because he really only talked about them on their first date. He tells her that his family is a big reason that he has issues opening up - when he was 15 or 16, his parents got divorced after his mom starting having an affair with his basketball coach and English teacher. Yeesh. He found out some of the details of the affair from other members of his small town community. From that experience, he’s learned that he wants openness in his family and doesn’t want to raise his kids the same way he was raised. She feels the exact same way about having a relationship with openness - she even tells him that he’s the best at opening up and she finds it so attractive that he can. 

THEN BLAKE BECOMES A HERO: “Falling in love is fun, but staying in love would be even more fun and I’ve never had that. Becca, I am in love with you.” WHERE ARE THE FIREWORKS EMOJIS BECAUSE MY HEART IS BURSTING. SO IS HERS. SHE WANTS HIM TO SAY IT AGAIN. THE MOST PASSIONATE OF KISSING. I just am so thrilled for these two kids. She grabs the rose and says that she would love nothing more than to meet his family and find out why he is who is is. 

Then. THEN. She says that she never wants moments with Blake to end and she can’t even put into words how she feels but she just thinks that HER HEART RECOGNIZES HIS. MY GOD. Also sHE’S FEELING THE EXACT SAME WAY, BUT BLAKE DOESN’T KNOW IT YET. OMG. SHE CAN 100% SEE HIM AS HER HUSBAND. THEY MAKE OUT AGAINST A COLUMN. IS THIS ENOUGH CAPS LOCK ORRRRRRRRRRR

Unfortunately, we have another date to watch, but fortunately, Wills truly has a floral outfit for every occasion. Becca is wearing an all-white-all-denim outfit when she meets the men on the beach to play beach volleyball. Even she remarks, but it truly could not be a more random collection of personalities on this date, but I love all three of them. She says that she’s always discovering more about Leo, Jason is one of the most upbeat and positive people he’s ever met, and Wills knows who he is and is quiet, reserved, and confident. 

She and Wills speak first and he says that he really wants her to meet his parents who will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next year. His dad is quiet and reserved and his mom is spunky - Becca can’t help but find similarities between the way she and Wills were raised. Next she sits down with Jason and he tells her that they have something that he hasn’t had in awhile. He thinks that the power of their chemistry is what brought them so far and he sees so much happiness and laughter with Becca. She likes kissing him second to Blake, of course, and they make out for awhile. Poor Leo looks over to see that and Wills just goes: “Don’t look, Bro.”

She and Leo head down to the beach and he tells her that he doesn’t date much and it has been like 4 years since he brought anyone home to meet his family. I have to give it up to Leo for flat out asking if the other guys are further in their relationships with her - he basically reveals that he would need more time to feel ready to propose at the end of this. It’s honestly a pretty short conversation with him ending with her saying that it’s only fair to him to not go back to his family knowing that she has other stronger relationships. Wills and Jason finally spot both Becca and Leo walking alone on the beach and they figure out what’s going on - she rejoins them and tells them that she and Leo had a good conversation, but she sent him home. She just didn’t feel like they’re at a place where she could go home and meet his family. Then, poor Leo just gets left at the beach! You’re a truly great guy, Leo! I just think this journey wasn’t for you!

Jason, Wills, and Becca all sit down and she thanks them for the day and tells them that she’s happy to be sitting with the two of them. She and Jason talk first, or rather, make out first before she pulls away and says “OKAY, BUT I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, TOO”. She asks if he has any reservations about bringing her home and he basically says that their last date was kind of a test and he found the confidence and comfort he needed in knowing that he wants to introduce her to his family. Becca tells them that last week showed her that they do have a mental and emotional connection, but some of the other guys have been slightly more vocal with their feelings and there’s a “slight risk” with Jason. Truly seems like maybe the harshest thing she could have said to him. He honestly doesn’t say much more and doesn’t even drop the “falling in love” bomb, but we love Jason, so it’s okay. 

Wills sits down with Becca and says that he wants to get some stuff off his chest this week - he feels completely open and vulnerable with her and she’s made him believe in love again. Then, he reveals that he’s falling more and more in love with her every single day. Then, he steals the nation’s hearts with “I’m hers in my opinion”. WE LOVE YOU, WILLS. But, she definitely doesn’t have the same reaction she had with Blake. 

She seems to go away to think for a while and says that she’s struggling with the decision between the guy who’s “all in” (Wills) and the guy who she’s “not sure if he’s there yet” (Jason). She rejoins them both and says that everything was put into perspective for her this week. Jason does end up getting the rose, which I’m extremely excited for, but I’m just so sad for Wills. She walks him out and gives him maybe one of the most respectful exit speeches ever - she wanted to feel the same things Wills was feeling, but she just wasn’t there and she couldn’t bring his family into this knowing they’re not exactly on the same page. I’m genuinely surprised that she’s not more emotional over this, but don’t worry, Wills is emotional enough for the two of them. He gets in a van and is truly “heartbroken” and says that he couldn’t have done anything more than he did. The most devastating part for him was hearing her say that she knows he’ll find his person, because he realized that she wasn’t his person. YOU’RE KILLING US, WILLS. He eventually has to literally leave the car he’s so emotional and all of Bachelor Nation is rooting for him. We’ll see you in Paradise, friend, and we wish you nothing but love!! So that’s it! We’re heading to hometowns with Colton, Garrett, Blake, and Jason. CANNOT WAIT. 

Next week on The Bachelorette: we play hockey with Jason, dress up as unicorns with Colton, go dancing with Blake, and ride on a tractor with Garrett! Also, Jason’s parents are hard on him, Blake’s mom thinks her son is crazy, Garrett’s family seems fine, and Colton’s dad doesn’t want her to pick him. Also, TIA IS SICK TO HER STOMACH ABOUT SOMETHING! Until then!

The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 6

So rarely are we treated to a season where the teases are nothing compared to the actual drama of the episodes. I swear, they found truly the greatest contestants of all time this season - we have a healthy mix of genuinely great guys and some CRAZY ASS MOFOs who just came to get on Paradise. This week: they’re in Virginia for some inexplicable reason, Jason is a STAR, and Chris freaks the eff out. Let’s jump into it!

Look, they can say “Virginia is for Lovers” as many times as they want, but they’ll never convince me that this destination is normal. Anyway, here they are in Richmond, Virginia, and literally one of the first shots we see this week is of Becca simply playing with geese by a lake? Surely there was more dynamic content they could have shot. We find out Becca is staying at the Quirk Hotel which is, as advertised, quirky and cute. For god knows what reason, Chris Harrison welcomes her to Virginia even though he has literally nothing to do with the state. We find out that she’s starting to feel feelings of love again and she’s looking at wedding magazines and seeing babies and getting excited and NOW I’M EXCITED. She knows that she and the guy she chooses will get there at the end of this. 

The boys are not staying at the Quirk Hotel because apparently it was too girly and are, instead, staying at the Graduate Hotel which seems like it’s simply the boy version of the Quirk. Leo says is excited to be in Richmond and says “Just like Virginia birthed the nation, I hope it births my relationship with Becca”. Leo’s killing it. Colton is worried that it’s going to be hard to keep the momentum from their one-on-one last week. Chris also is worried, but probably because he’s clinically insane. 

The first date card arrives: “Jason: Life is full of surprises…Becca” YESSSSS, I’M SO EXCITED, I DECIDED I LOVE JASON. We don’t get to be excited for too long because all of a sudden Chris just goes off on this tangent about how he really wishes he were a two-on-one this week. He would go against anyone on a two-on-one because he’s confident. How many rolling eyes emojis can fit into one recap? I genuinely forgot that Lincoln was still on this show by the way, but he’s there and he decides to engage Chris in his nonsense. I genuinely have no idea what they’re talking about - it goes on SO long and even forces me to join sides with Garrett who says these two arguing is like “Dumb and Dumber”, but he’s not sure which one is which. Jason, WHO DESERVES THIS DATE TODAY, says that clearly some of the guys are cracking under the pressure and he needs to remove himself from that situation. One of the final words in this dumb spat is that apparently Lincoln body shamed Chris? Colton thinks the wheels on the bus have come all the way off and I can’t agree more. 

Finally, it’s time to leave the loony bin and go on a date with Jason! He runs outside and Becca’s there waiting for him with a trolley - how fun! They start the date by going to St. John’s Church, which is both the place that Patrick Henry gave the “Give me liberty or give me death” speech and it’s also where Edgar Allan Poe’s mother is buried? Two very different vibes it seems. They go to Sugar Shack Donuts and have fun frosting donuts and it’s all very adorable. Becca says that she and Jason had a slower start, but it’s what they needed in their relationship. They go to the Poe museum and they kiss in a coffin and I think it’s supposed to be endearing, but I find it rather concerning. To round out the apparently Poe-themed date, they go to an “Unhappy Hour” which is basically a group of people who “enjoy life through death”. Hmm. The two of them, two happy funtime people, are certainly out of place, but I’m obsessed with Jason trying to dance like this goth girl and getting stuck mid-splits. Becca can’t help but smile and laugh with Jason even though they’re supposed to be unhappy. Oh well. 

Back at the Graduate Hotel, the guys are talking about Chris, and Colton reiterates that he thinks Chris is falling apart. Leo agrees and says that Chris doesn’t think before he speaks. Mainly, they’re all worried that Chris is going to ruin another cocktail party and take time away from all of them. 

Jason’s date is still not over, but I’m fine with because I LOVE JASON - Becca says that she and Jason have always taken advantage of their time together and he’s really growing on her. Also, “Damn, Jason can kiss!” YES, BECCA. They get to this bar where Becca has gathered some of Jason’s friends and I want to cry it’s so sweet. He sees them and GENUINELY his reaction is the sweetest thing ever he’s so excited. His friends briefly give him shit for kissing her in front of them, but like WOULDN’T YOU? They split up and he talks to a couple of his friends while she talks to some - he tells his friends that she is everything he could want in a life partner and a best friend and that “it’s getting real and it’s getting real quick”. She asks his friends what Jason is like as a partner and I’m obsessed with their answer because they simply say Jason is “as advertised”. AS ADVERTISED! They say he’s the right person to choose to start a life and a family with and, OKAY YOU’VE CONVINCED ME, JASON MIGHT BE THE BEST PERSON. 

They leave and Becca says that Jason’s friends reminded her of her friends and her home and it speaks volumes to her that she’s sad that she’s going to have to leave Jason. JASON FOR BACHELOR AND/OR WINNER IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO BLAKE. 

For dinner they head to what is, essentially, a Star Wars set and Becca says that she can definitely see a future with Jason. She tells him that her favorite part of the day was when his friends said that if she gets Jason, she gets all of them - she’s said the exact same thing about her girlfriends. SHOUTOUT TO ALL OF MY GIRLFRIENDS’ BOYFRIENDS AND FIANCÉS FOR GETTING ME IN THE DEAL!!! Becca thinks their friends would get along, which is a great sign - one of the things his friends brought up and Jason has brought up is that he has a hard time being vulnerable, but Becca’s never felt that with him. He tells her that in the past he’s run from tough conversation, but with her it’s always been easy to be open with Becca. 

He goes on to tell her about a pivotal time in his life when his grandma had Alzheimer’s and he saw his Dad just crumble when his own mom didn’t know who he was. His dad was always the backbone of his family and that day and that moment was probably the worst moment of his Dad’s life that he witnessed. From that experience, he realized that he can’t take any moment for granted and family and friends are everything to him. I am not kidding when I say that these two have the absolute most natural conversation of all time, they seem like they’ve known each other for years and have just absolutely have no issues talking openly both in this new relationship and IN FRONT OF CAMERAS. 

Becca feels safe enough to talk about how her dad got sick when she was 14 and they only expected to have 6 months with him, but they ended up with 5 full years. She starts to get emotional and Jason tells her she doesn’t have to talk about this if it’s too much, but she wants to tell him. She wants to tell him. She goes on to say that nothing about this situation is a “blessing”, but she was home from college and was able to be there for her mom and her dad when he passed away. Just so rarely do you see two genuinely good people have a conversation on a reality show and yet, here we are. These two feel safe with each other and he feels like he’s falling in love and this is simply the best. 

Knock on the door at the Graduate Hotel with another date card! “Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris: Let’s make history…Becca” Aww, Leo gets a one-on-one, that’s sweet! Chris ruins it by saying that he’ll consider this date “redemption". GROSS, GET OUTTA HERE. 

Jason tells Becca that he’s in a great position to be himself and Becca tells him that she’s had the best day with him and he has one of the best characters of anyone she knows. She hasn’t been able to open up to someone like that in a long time and he gets the rose and I’m just so thrilled. Her feelings grew exponentially today and they both feel like they connected on an entirely different level. She says that she didn’t expect to open up like that today, but it wasn’t hard for her to do so with Jason and “Jason is worth the wait” YES. After tonight, he can see himself getting down on one knee and SHE CAN SEE HERSELF SAYING ‘YES’ TO A FOREVER WITH HIM. I LOVE YOU TWO!

Unfortunately, we’re forced to move on from Jason and even she, the next morning, is still glowing from the glory of that date. She’s in a fierce ass pantsuit (PANTSUIT NATION) and meets the guys who are in full suits at the Virginia state Capitol. (PS. I just googled Capital vs. Capitol and I’m realizing I’ll have to do that for literally the rest of my life.)  Today they’re going to step into the past and brush up on their history - they walk into the CAPITOL and find a George Washington and an Abe Lincoln reenactor. All I know is Lincoln introduced himself to Lincoln and it was LAME.

They find out that they’re going to have a debate for the “Beccalection 2018” and all of them have their own little podium at the front of the CAPITOL. Becca says that today is about finding her partner an her “running mate”, which is maybe the only pun on this entire season of which I approve. By the way, this “debate” is literally just guys being asked individual questions, they’re not, like, taking sides on anything. The first question is asked by the literal Governor of Virginia, which makes me LOL, but it goes to Colton: “What is your idea of the perfect date with Becca in the commonwealth of Virginia?” Colton KILLS his answer by saying that he would probably want to take Becca to a dog park with his lab and they would find a corgi for Becca. YES, COLTON. Blake is asked what he’s learned from past relationships and he’s learned that he can be vulnerable and open to great love and there’s some MAJOR eye contact at that moment. Connor says that he as a contagious personality and very nicely quaffed hair, Garrett says that ladies are always right, and Wills never thought he would feel this way and he always feels like he’s on top of the world. 

Lincoln starts some drama by saying that he does not envision a future of packing his bags and going home like Chris and it’s lazy and dumb. Blake randomly gets in the middle and says that he thinks most of the guys here are honest and upfront but NO, Chris has to jump in and say that he doesn’t think that’s true of everyone here. For some reason, this is the only part of this debate, which could be considered an actual debate, and Lincoln is granted a rebuttal - we find out that Chris was referring to Lincoln because he apparently has a nasty, malicious, and aggressive side to him which Becca would be disgusted by. So, if I were only watching this show and not reading news, I might side with Lincoln and say he’s harmless and whatever, but like, he’s literally a registered sex offender now, so unfortunately, I gotta say that Chris has a point. 

We then find out that Chris was 300 pounds as a child and he brings up the body shaming again and it’s sUCH A DUMB FIGHT, WHY DO I HAVE TO WATCH THIS. Becca is the queen of keeping her face under control and yes, she looks pissed, but she didn’t look like me with my mouth agape and my head shaking vigorously. Blake cuts in again and just says that what Chris is saying is a little out of context - Chris is pissed that he has to keep defending himself but YOU’RE BRINGING ALL THIS SHIT UP, CHRIS. 

The debate ends and Becca is PISSED and says that this is stupid drama that should not be happening in front of this crowd of people - for the second time this season, she feels like she’s back in elementary school. It’s too much drama and I’m O V E R IT!

They walk into the cocktail party (shoutout to Becca for holding Colton’s hand and linking arms with Wills) and she feels like today was super embarrassing. We get the first close up shot of some creepy child portraits (don’t worry we’ll see close ups like 9 more times) and then we move to Becca saying that she wants to put everything aside and enjoy the rest of the night. 

Lincoln grabs her first and instantly dives into this conversation about how he’s worried about what Chris might do next. It’s this long drawn out conversation about how everyone’s scared of Chris and Lincoln feels threatened by him and - speak of the devil - Chris comes to interrupt. Chris is a piece of shit, why the hell is he interrupting Lincoln, like he’s literally only there to cause trouble. 

Becca sits down with Chris and says that Lincoln told her that not everyone in the house is comfortable or safe with Chris in the room - he also said that at one point Connor even switched rooms because he didn’t feel safe sleeping in the same room as Chris. Chris, of course, gets incredibly defense and kind of gives Becca shit for bringing this up and she’s just like “I’m trying to piece things together and I’m going to confront you about the things I hear”. It’s a long conversation of Chris being an asshat and I never, ever, thought I’d be excited to say this, but GARRETT’S HERE. Good on him for interrupting this because it was an absolute waste of time. 

She and Garrett sit down and she’s visibly upset and she tells him that she’s really annoyed and frustrated and then she sends him away because she needs a few minutes for herself. SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE SENT BLAKE OR JASON AWAY, THAT’S FOR SURE. Back with all the guys, Chris asks Connor straight up if he was scared to room with him and we find out that that wasn’t entirely true and that Lincoln was essentially lying - it’s so dumb and eventually Garrett walks back in and tells them that she was too upset to even talk to him and whatever Chris said “fucked up the whole night”. 

Back at the Graduate Hotel (I swear I’m giving it more press than the actual show did), time for the final date card! “Leo: The world is our oyster…Becca” My favorite part of this entire thing is that Jason literally had to read this alone to Leo, lol. Leo says that no matter what happens, he’s going to have a great time and he’s never had a moment of negativity with this girl. LEO’S THE BEST. 

Back at the cocktail party, Garrett won’t stop saying “headstate”, which is not a word, but all of the guys are livid with Chris for ruining their night. Eventually Becca does come back and grab Garrett, as promised - they sit down and she says the beginning of the day and the debate was great for Becca. Garrett says that he’s not great with words (DOY), but he wrote a closing statement (why) that he wants to read for Becca. She’s super into it, which is fine I guess. 

She and Colton just lean up against a window real cozy like and he tells her that it was easier than he thought to transition from last week’s one-on-one to the group date because of the foundation they’ve built. Wills tells her that he’s falling in love with her and he’s not going to hold back anymore. I LOVE WILLS. She heads back with all of the guys and is ready to hand out the group date and EXCUSE ME, WE DON’T GET TO SEE ANY TIME WITH BLAKE???????? I’M GENUINELY SO UPSET. Colton gets the group date rose and I know I gave him a hard time last week, but I’m back to loving him and I’m glad he got the rose. She describes him as a man who stands by his word, which I cannot disagree with. 

The next day, it’s time for her date with Leo, but Becca says that she still feels off after last night. She doesn’t feel like she’s going into this date as her best self, but she wants to focus on her time with Leo today. She meets him next to a tiny plane and all of Bachelor Nation melted when Leo got out of the car, ran to her and says “Oh my god, you beautiful thing”. TEAM LEOOOOOOO. They go on a plane ride and it’s very beautiful and I just can’t help but think why we haven’t seen Leo on our screen constantly because he might be the sweetest human of all time? He’s worried that she might not be able to see a future with him. 

They sit down outside and she expresses that last night was really hard and she’s just emotionally drained right now and isn’t at her best. Leo assures her that she shouldn’t feel any pressure to act or be a certain way on the date and then he reassures her that she’s making this process really easy for everyone and it’s easy for them to fall for her. They end up talking about how her expectations are not the same as what everyone things - she doesn’t need to get engaged at the end of this, she just wants to find the person she can spend her life with and if an engagement takes awhile, that’s totally fine. Leo agrees that it’s responsible to take an engagement really seriously and he wouldn’t get down on one knee unless he really saw a future - he’s at a time in his life where he’s ready to settle down. Next he says that in the real world, if she wanted him, he would be hers and we all AWWWWW’D FOR HOURS. LEO IS A GEM. 

They end up in Chesapeake Bay and shuck some oysters and it seems just so chill and relaxed and genuine and both Becca and I are glad that Leo was on this date after last night. They go to City Hall for dinner and Becca says that she felt a spark with Leo today! She even says he saw her at her worst today and even he’s like “That was your worst? You were just like mildly not yourself.” He goes on to tell her that his parents have been together over 40 years and his dad has always been his idol - because of that, though, he’s had a hard time living up to what he thought his father expected of him. They shared baseball when he was younger, but he was never good enough to play professionally so he always felt like he failed his dad to some extent. Becca tells Leo that he’s such an amazing person with many sides to him and she later says that what she’s looking for in life is a MAN, someone who takes adversity and pushes through it, and she knows she’s have that through Leo. 

Back at the GRADUATE HOTEL (enough already, I know), Connor and Jason talk about how Chris is so inconsistent and they are uneasy about him now. Jason thinks he’s volatile and he doesn’t know who Chris is anymore - he also thinks that Chris is weirdly calm and seems to have some sort of plan now. He’s right, it’s pretty creepy. 

Leo tells Becca that she should never have a bad day ever and he would always be there for her no matter way - she gives him the rose and tells him that getting to know him week by week has given her so much hope! Go Leo! They, very unfortunately, go to a concert with Morgan Evans who is one of the least annoying private concert givers, I must admit. They have fun and there’s just way too many teens there and it’s great. 

Chris says that he doesn’t want Leo to come home because if he does, he doesn’t feel like he’ll be there much longer. CUE LEO WALKING IN WITH A ROSE ON HIS JACKET. Chris can’t handle it and literally walks out of the room and onto the streets. We have this weird clip of Chris making fun of the amount of eggs Lincoln eats a day (he eats 12 and there’s been more egg disses this season than I ever could have imagined). Chris is apparently going to talk to Becca at the QUIRK HOTEL and I’m pissed about it. 

He walks into her room and they sit on the couch and she literally cannot stop asking him why he’s there. He says that the last couple of weeks there have been so many distractions and he hasn’t been able to talk about anything other than those distractions. He then reveals that all of a sudden he can see himself marrying her at the end of this? She, rightfully, asks how he went from wanting to go home last week all the way there and then they talk about last week a bit more. She still doesn’t understand how he went from being super into her and being on the right track to all of a sudden questioning everything with her. He “needs” her to stop thinking about Vegas anymore, but literally, buddy, it’s not up to you. She says that the drama he caused last week has seeped into every single one of her dates in Virginia and she basically doesn’t appreciate it. 

They both say that they had hoped the adversity they faced wouldn’t be something that came between them, but it has and she just doesn’t think they can get there in the end - she’s scared by what she’s seen and heard over the last few days. When he says that he’s just been continuously attacked for the last week, she straight up says “You’ve done some attacking, too”. YEP, GOT YOU THERE, BUD. She sends him home thank GAWD and then he’s a full on ASS when he doesn’t even want her to walk him out, like be a fucking nice person, dude. Becca is very disappointed in what just happened and says that Chris is just an angry person and he’s not a guy she wants in her life ever. BAI, CHRIS, WE SINCERELY HOPE THE WORST FOR YOU. 

I wish we had seen the guys’ reaction to Chris getting sent home, but instead we see them entering a literal CASTLE for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. They sit and talk about how important tonight was because of the way Chris messed everything up for all of them. Genuinely, I wasn’t even looking at how much time was left in the episode, but I was SHOCKED AND DISMAYED when Chris Harrison showed up instead of Becca. NO COCKTAIL PARTY. Normally, I’m okay with it, but we LITERALLY GOT NO TIME WITH BLAKE THIS WEEK I’M SO INCREDIBLY UPSET.

Becca drives in in an old fancy car and looks legit like Cinderella - they even let her descend a staircase, shout out to the Production team. She tells them that each and every one of them has brought something amazing to her life, but she has to follow her gut and her heart which is why she cancelled the cocktail party. Congrats to: Garrett, Blake (SHE LIKES HIS BOWTIE), and Wills! Bai to Connor and Lincoln, I truly don’t care about either of you!

Next week on The Bachelorette: SOME ONE-ON-ONE BLAKE TIME, Wills is falling more in love every single date, but is frustrated, and Jason isn’t vocal enough with where they’re at. Also, everyone’s freaking out, she leaves a dinner with Colton, and it looks like just SO much drama in the Bahamas. CAN. NOT. WAIT. 

The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 5

VEGAS, BABY! This week, on The Bachelorette, Colton makes out with Becca, Garrett is, unfortunately, still here, the dreaded/anticipated 2-on-1 finally happens and Chris throws a dumb tantrum for no reason whatsoever. Let’s jump into it!

Becca begins this episode with one of the many, many, Vegas puns they’ll use throughout the evening by saying that, “Las Vegas is the place to roll the dice on love”. Is it? She says last week was a big struggle for her because it brought up her past issues. The men all run into the Aria, which is, I will let you know, an objectively great hotel, and they end up in this “Sky Suite” which looks exactly like the suite in The Hangover, it’s uncanny. The men are running around looking at all the cool stuff and Becca literally shouts from their balcony that is in the room because, surprise, she’s literally been stuck upstairs until they got enough B-Roll of the men freaking out about the room. 

The next day, the first date card arrives - “Colton: Let’s ride off into the sunset together…Becca” OKAY. My favorite thing about this date card scene was that Colton was like “Okay, gotta go get ready for the date” - cut to: simply him in the same exact outfit walking out to the limo. He and Becca take the limo fully out of Las Vegas presumably just to get the close up of “VIRGIN RIVER”. WE KNOW. 

Their date today will simply be riding camels? So romantic. Colton’s camel is extremely vocal and Colton looks legitimately terrified. They end up in truly the middle of nowhere in like, what I can only describe as an old hot tub? It looks like they found a hot tub from 1997, somehow shipped enough water and chemicals to the desert to fill it and then didn’t even have to turn it on because the heat of the DESERT was enough to heat the water. 

Back at the mansion, David and Jordan are busy being extremely annoying. Well, mostly David, Jordan is basically a harmless person, David is genuinely the devil I think?

In the old hot tub, Colton tells Becca that he’s happy about how the entire Tia situation played out - genuine question: did anything actually play out? They just said her name like 4 times and then started making out? Becca is clearly smitten, though, and says that the more time she spends with Colton, the more comfortable she feels. This is the most relaxed she’s been during this entire journey! They are, according to Becca, on the same page and she likes him a lot. Look, I do, too, but this date was pretty lame!

They head to dinner and I can’t help but wonder what time of night this is? Surely they weren’t able to buy out an entire restaurant at a normal time in the middle of Vegas, right? Colton tells Becca that this was one of the best days he ever could have imagined. Do we really think Colton ever imagined he would be promised a date in Las Vegas only to be shipped out to ride on a camel and sit in an old hot tub? I THINK NAWT. 

He reveals some information about his past relationship - he’s only been in love once and he said he loved her very quickly. I know we’re all thinking it, but this has to be Aly Raisman, yes? The relationship ended when she broke up with him and it came kind of out of the blue for him. Although he’s only been in love once, he doesn’t want Becca to hold that against him because, to him, that means that he holds “love” very highly. Becca seems to think that this story means they have had “similar” breakups, which I’m not convinced of, but okay. Kind of out of the blue, Colton says that he associates pain with love? Either I missed something, or really he just brought it up randomly. 

Back at the Sky Suite, another date card arrives: “Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, Chris: I’m looking for my Mr. Las Vegas…Becca”. TWO ON ONE FOR DAVID AND JORDAN. Cannot wait for these clowns to leave. David is “pumped” about the 2-on-1 and Jordan says that he’s going to “crumple up David and throw him away”. PLEASE DO, SIR. 

Back at an empty Las Vegas restaurant, Colton tells Becca that as much as his guard and his walls are up, he wants her to know that he’s making it easy for him to break it all down. Look, I like Colton and I’m thrilled he got the rose on this date, but I am a little worried that Becca and I are both just in it for the looks. Writing these recaps I basically have to watch the episode a second time in my head and in this second viewing I’ve realized that COLTON SAID NOTHING. When Becca gives him the rose, she says that “You, out of everyone, I feel like it is our story.” Huh? She is glad that they’ve already overcome so many obstacles (uh, just one) and she gives him the rose. 

Colton says that this was the “pinnacle” of their relationship, which I absolutely hope so because if it wasn’t, like, he thought it had happened before, I would have some thoughts. They get on a double decker bus and I’m concerned Colton will hit his head on the pedestrian bridges, but he manages just fine. Becca really trusts Colton and it makes her heart happy to see his smile. There’s a “Kiss Her” sign on the strip and he abides! He tells the producers, not her, that he can confidently say he’s falling in love with Becca. I hope so, but also open your heart a little more, bud!

Alrighty, time for one of the weirdest group dates in history - the men show up to what seems to be an old plantation and are promised to get the “total Vegas experience” today. Suddenly, WAYNE NEWTON shows up and truly why. We learn that apparently Wayne has planned this date for him and the first thing he planned was to just tour his own house with them? It is an absolutely insane relic of old Vegas culture including Wayne, himself, who is, objectively, a relic. 

They make it into this weird room that is a collection of curved benches and a grand piano - Wayne begins to sing “Danke Schoen”, that 1963 classic which absolutely none of these men know. Before long, Wayne’s wife Kathleen runs in the room and they kiss like two people who just learned what kissing is, but had no visual aids to help them understand how to do it. We have to watch Wayne sing “Danke Schoen” again to Kathleen and he prefaces it by saying that the way he sings the song to his wife is completely different than when he’s just singing it to anyone. He proceeds to sing the song to his wife in exactly the same fashion as he did when he was singing it to anyone just one moment ago. 

After we’re subjected to that viewing torture, we find out that Wayne Newton would like all of these men to write NEW LYRICS to “Danke Schoen”. WHY TWICE IN ONE SEASON, LIKE, MY GOD. The men are strewn about the lawn of this weird Graceland and we finally, I mean, finally get a glimpse of WILL’S ROMPHIM. IT’S INCREDIBLE. We find out that Blake has never written a love song, but he’s actually feeling what he’s writing, Chris is confident because HE’S LITERALLY ALREADY DONE THIS, and everyone else is nervous because wtf is this and why do they have to do it. 

Becca and Wayne make the rounds to check on how all the lyric writing is going and Wayne straight up says that he was “very impressed with almost all of them”. SAVAGE, WAYNE. Wills writes in French, Lincoln writes in his native language, and then Wayne, again with the savagery, says that he has “heard some inspired things” and he’s also “heard some uninspired things.” Classic, Wayne. The men all gather back into the the weird bench room and Wayne reveals that the men fully have to PERFORM THEIR SONGS ONSTAGE. Now, okay, it’s funny to watch this happen, but can you imagine having to sit in the audience and listen to NINE versions of the same song in a row? NINE.

So the NINE of them show up to this weird little cabaret theater and they’re all forced to wear tuxes and sit in the front row - Wayne and Becca are sitting alarmingly far from the stage in what seem to be quite awful seats. John is first and he winks and he also rhymed “dear” with “ear”, Garrett is next and has no rhythm, though I will give it up to him for rhyming “champagne” with “danke schoen”, and Lincoln sounds like a LITERAL WASHING MACHINE. Connor sings about a picture frame, Wills thanks her for his manicure, and Blake saw people covering their ears which he found “not encouraging”. Becca makes her way onstage for Leo’s turn, and finally Chris gets up there and, kind of objectively kills it. He gets off stage and talks about Arie for an entire verse and just in general has fun with it? I’m not even into Chris, but he clearly, like, worked the hardest on this. I was texting a friend about this as well, but the statistical odds of literally all 9 of them being horrible singers is like one in a million. We didn’t get to see Jason’s performance, so maybe he was okay, but put any 9 people in a room and at least one of them can like hold a tune. Who are these bozos who can’t even do that????

For the cocktail party, they literally go to an empty stadium - I really feel like they did not use Vegas to its full potential for this entire week. Chris tells the other guys that he “killed the competition”, which he did, but just saying that out loud means that he doesn’t deserve to have killed anything. Becca sits down with Garrett first and he tells her that performing was fun and then he like, fully LICKS HER?????? It’s incredibly disconcerting. 

Back at the Sky Suite, the final date card! “David & Jordan: Meet me in the Valley of Fire…Becca” I’m truly PISSED because we didn’t see the reading of the additional date card from Chris Harrison I know was in that envelope that says “Two men, one rose, one stays, one goes”, but I think it was just foreshadowing that they’re (spoiler alert) both losers and one is certainly not staying. Shoutout to Colton for truly just laughing at these two clowns the entire time. 

Back at AN EMPTY ARENA, Chris starts to complain that he hasn’t gotten one-on-one time with Becca yet tonight. Meanwhile, Jason and she dance and he dips her, Wills has the capacity to make someone happy and give all his love, and Leo wants to know if Becca is on a crazy workout plan because she’s crazy fit. LOL. Connor apparently feels chemistry with Becca, but I certainly don’t. Back at the couches, Chris literally says that “After today [he’s] ranked as one of the top frontrunners”. FIRST OF ALL, ‘TOP FRONTRUNNERS’ IS REDUNDANT. SECOND OF ALL, NO YOU’RE NOT, ASS.

Blake grabs Becca and they go outside and all of my notes are in All Caps because I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Blake tells her that he’s been falling in love with her and he’s mad because Jean took away that moment for her. She says that hearing those words from Blake gave her the exact opposite feeling she got when Jean told her. SHE SAYS SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH BLAKE AND SHE KNEW IT FROM THE BEGINNING. YESSSSSSSSSSS. 

We find out that apparently the two of them were gone for like 40 minutes (YESSSS) and they return and Chris is still pouting. She announces that BLAKE IS GETTING THE GROUP DATE ROSE, YES, and then announces that she’s tired so she’s going home lolololol. Chris is “shocked” and feels rejected and apparently just wants to go home now. K FINE, THEN GO HOME, CHRIS. I hope she went back to her hotel and just smiled for the rest of the night thinking about Blake and fully forgetting about Chris who is way too obsessed with himself. 

Alright, time for the 2-on-1 we’ve been waiting all season for - David could not be more excited or confident and Jordan basically feels exactly the same way. Again, they go what seems to be hours outside of Vegas and end up in a desert, but a desert different than the desert she and Colton were in. Becca picks the two of them up in a Jeep and David apparently drew the short straw and has to sit in the back seat. 

They sit down on one of the beds they have in Paradise that was apparently shipped to Nevada - or wait, did they just go all the way to Mexico to shoot his 2-on-1? Becca tells the two of them to appreciate the silence and then David fully WILL NOT stop talking. If I didn’t hate him so much, I’d say he has great comedic timing. 

Becca gets annoyed with the silence that he’s ruined, so she just grabs David and they sit on what has to be the least comfortable rock formation of all time. David starts by saying that “in the spirit of being honest”, he wants to tell her that Jordan isn’t here for the right reasons. OKAY. He says that apparently Jordan keeps talking about other girls and models that he wants to hook up with that he’s seen in Vegas. David DARES to say that he thinks Jordan will feel like he’s “settling” with Becca. FUCK YOU, DAVID. HOW DARE YOU. 

Becca is understandably PISSED about this and she even says that it hits so hard because Arie told her that Lauren said she would have been the “safe choice”. UGH. David apparently walks away from that conversation feeling better but I’m LIVID that he even said that to a woman ever. They walk back and join Jordan and Becca asks him if he did say that and they have this short conversation about how he would never say it and blah blah blah. At one point David says “The topic is exhausted” and like YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT IT IS, BUDDY, BUT YOU BROUGHT IT UP. 

Jordan and Becca go to talk alone and Jordan’s pants make me lol. They sit on an equally uncomfortable rock and he tells her that he would certainly never talk about a girl he’d want to see in a casino. I don’t think the “certainly” was necessary, but okay. It’s so clear that Becca has just fully run out of patience for this nonsense, but like Jordan does make a valid argument about David being a liar. Randomly, Jordan starts talking about how his parents have been together for 27 years and his mom has dealt with multiple mental illnesses. It goes on for a bit and my notes actually, truly say: “I literally opened Instagram stories in the middle of this I was so bored”. 

Becca drops Jordan off at the weird bed thing and says that she needs to go think alone about the entire thing. Jordan and David confront each other and it is quite comical - Jordan says that David thought of “the most hurtful thing a girl could hear” and told Becca just to get ahead. David’s retort is that Jordan “has no humor” which is definitely true, but like, neither does he. Then comes a truly iconic line: 

“Being me is my greatest power, being you isn’t your greatest power, which is why you have to talk about me.”

-Jordan, 2018

Jordan’s digs just keep on coming when he says that David is uninspiring and lacks his “own personality”. Honestly, I’m stealing that diss. Jordan says the ultimate: “You’re worse than Arie, dude.” I might tend to agree on that. At least Arie was, like, chill for a minute there. 

Becca comes back and tells them that she’s frustrated with how today’s gone and she feels like she’s back in 6th grade. “This is frustrating, this is annoying, this is petty”. SAME, BECCA, YOU TELL THEM. Eventually we find out that she’s sending David home, but she’s not gonna give out the rose, she wants to get to know Jordan a bit more. The boys, back at the Sky Suite, find out David’s going home and Colton exclaims: “HE HAD THE WRONG ATTITUDE”. IT’S TRUE. 

For dinner, Becca and Jordan go to the lovely Herringbone patio, which is just simply in the Aria hotel. I know exactly the escalators they use to get there because I used them many times once when I didn’t have a guaranteed seat on a Delta flight and I naively decided to leave my laptop at home. Thus started an entire evening of finding a non-existent business center in the Aria hotel. Becca says that Jordan has always made her laugh, but there’s not anything more than that right now so she wants to use tonight to see if they’re compatible at all. 

Jordan tells Becca that he was “pretty shook up” during the day and he’s still super upset about it. They move on quite quickly and Jordan asks her what a weekend looks like for her - she says that she goes to church with girlfriends and then they go out to brunch. Jordan’s weekend, alternatively is just skincare, hair, and the gym - all things that are a part of his everyday life. Becca, clearly deciding to just have fun for the rest of the night without the pressure of pretending to be into this guy just asks Jordan if Zoolander is accurate to which he says “it’s very accurate”. He goes on to show that he can do a “million different things” he can do with his face which he goes on to show us just a sampling of. He even “wishes he could bring out his portfolio” and Becca tweeted and I agree - WHERE IS THE PORTFOLIO AND CAN WE SEE IT. 

The reason I love this damn dinner is obviously not because it’s romantic in any way, but because it’s absolutely absurd and I want to buy a drink for the casting person that found Jordan because he has been an unexpected light in all of our lives. Becca goes on to grab the rose on the table and holds it and literally says “So…it’s time.” LOLOLOL. She goes on to say that he is like no one she’s ever met before, but something is missing and she can’t give him the rose tonight. Aww. God, I hate Jordan, but I absolutely enjoyed watching his antics. Post-David Jordan is genuinely comedy gold. 

Becca walks out of the restaurant and we see that there was a fireworks display for them if he had gotten the rose and we cut back to the Sky Suite where Wills is knowingly sipping his wine. A producer grabs Jordan’s bag and they rest of the men are all just jumping up and down and cheering and laughing at this damn fireworks display for no one. It’s the perfect ending. 

They go to a cool rooftop bar for the cocktail party and already Chris won’t stop talking about how he didn’t get any one-on-one time at the group date. Garrett, whose side I never, ever thought I’d be on, says that it’s only a matter of time before Chris blows up again. Becca walks in and tells the guys that yesterday was very frustrating, but she just wants to have fun tonight. She grabs Chris first intentionally because they didn’t get to talk at the group date. 

They sit down and she starts by saying that she’s confused why Chris didn’t pull her aside on the group date and then she was even more confused when she found out that he’s apparently made comments about not wanting to be there. Chris retorts by saying that she “owes him 50,000 kisses”. I could GO OFF on this for literally 10,000 words, but all I’ll say is that any man who thinks a woman owes him any form of physical affection is a man who does not deserve to be near any woman ever. I clearly hate Chris now, btw. 

She tells him that she feels like he didn’t take the initiative at the group date - he goes on to tell her that if he didn’t want to be here, he would have already left. Gross. She wants a teammate and that night, that didn’t happen. Chris is too much drama and I’m over it. She tells him that she wants to know if Chris can put the effort into a relationship every single day because he certainly hasn’t proven that so far. Chris has made no action, so of course she’s questioning if he even likes her. The conversation ends very weird and it basically just seems like Becca doesn’t want to say something she’s going to regret later, but clearly she doesn’t trust this guy at all. 

Chris goes to talk to Colton and Garrett about the conversation they just had and both of them are just like 🆗. How does this guy not realize that literally no one is on his side? Chris tells them that he could see she had disgust in her eyes and apparently the worst part about the entire situation is that the moment he stepped out of the limo, he gave it his all? Huh? Garrett kinda gives a mini lecture on emotional stability, which he is entirely unqualified to give, but he does so anyway. 

Becca and Wills are talking about being nerds all while Wills is wearing the most incredible floral ensemble and Chris decides to interrupt them. UGH. After a long moment of Wills rightfully saying that Chris doesn’t have the right to interrupt them, he graciously offers Chris 2 minutes to talk to Becca. Chris and Becca have a conversation for maybe about 90 seconds before Wills comes back and is like “Okay, time’s up, bud”. Chris says that “this is legitimately serious” so he needs a few more minutes and Wills is rightfully like “My time’s not serious?!” YES, WILLS. I’m obsessed with how Wills handles this - he absolutely did not have to give up his time and stood his ground when some man decided he was more important than him. WILLS IS A PURE MOOD. 

What I’m unsure about is how Becca feels about that interaction, but she promises Chris she’ll find him later. Chris goes back to the couches and threatens to leave again like the straight up coward he is. Wills eventually returns and literally winks at Chris who is staring at him and says “Sup, baby?” DAMN, WILLS. Chris tries to confront Wills without the watchful eye of Becca and literally e v e r y o n e is on Wills’ side. Basically Chris decides that everything is about him and that everyone hates him and is against him and it’s so dumb. 

Becca does end up going to talk to him again and she asks him why he’s been so jump ship - he tells her that he needed a little adversity to realize what’s in front of him and he’s not going to run away. NO, DUDE. YOU DON’T GOTTA PLAY GAMES TO FIND OUT IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE. GROW THE HELL UP. She still doesn’t trust him and he says he wants to prove to her that he cares about her. I hate him whole-heartedly. 

Rose ceremony time! Congrats to: Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor, and Chris. Bai Venmo John! We’ll legitimately miss you! Becca toasts to the next week when they’ll be in Richmond, Virginia? Uhhh, why? 

Next week on The Bachelorette: There’s a political debate it seems, Garrett is affected by Becca’s “headstate”, and Jason finally gets a one-on-one! Also Lincoln and Chris have a fight and Becca gets very emotional. CANNOT WAIT!