The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 8

HOMETOWNS, HOMETOWNS, HOMETOWNS. Watching this episode was a sincere struggle for many reasons including Arie now seems insincere and we’re just waiting for the announcement that Tia is the Bachelorette, also my fire stick literally overheated, and my computer died. We got our shit together, though, so let’s recap in en effort to make this season go even faster!

Kendall’s hometown is first and I guess I didn’t realize that she’s actually from LA? As someone who has lived in LA for almost 4 years now, let me just say that people truly from LA are absolute weirdos. It all makes sense now. Arie meets Kendall at a literal field in Beverly Hills, it seems, and she says that she wants Arie to embrace what she loves. Of course this means they go to a full warehouse of taxidermy? It’s so, so creepy. Kendall explains her love of taxidermy and that it’s a way to appreciate animals. That’s like saying cemeteries are a way to appreciate humanity. WUT.

Immediately, Arie’s like “This isn’t my thing” and keeps telling us every other sentence that he’s never dated anyone like Kendall before. I don’t think anyone has ever dated anyone like Kendall other than Kendall’s exes. I love Kendall, don’t get me wrong, but she’s an odd one. So they’re walking through this taxidermy warehouse and looking at all of these creepy dead animals and Kendall reveals that they’re going to be mounting some of their own taxidermy. YIKES. They walk into this other room and Arie looks just so uncomfortable. I mean, wouldn’t you if you just walked into a room with RAT SKINS CHILLIN’???

Arie, too, didn’t really understand the whole “taxidermy is a way for me to appreciate animals” thing so he asks Kendall, again, why she likes taxidermy or how she got into it. She says that as a child she used to go on hikes and find things and that’s basically what taxidermy is? Hmmmmmmmmmm. She also says that taxidermy is like a relationship because it’s something that will last forever. I just. I have no more words.

Once they have stuffed their rats, Kendall brings out an actual diorama for them to put their rats in. End of “Dinner for Schmucks” anyone? It ends up being kinda slightly funny even though Arie and I are both very uncomfortable. He even says that “taxidermy isn’t the sexiest thing”, not sure who said it was, but he had fun anyway. He then goes to say that if he and Kendall get engaged, he can have a taxidermy room and he can have a garage to work on cars. Lol.

The two of them head to a café, which I would like to find, please, and we learn that Kendall has an identical twin named Kylie and I’m dying. OF COURSE. Before we can recover from that, Kendall tells Arie that he is different than anyone else she’s ever brought home: he’s compassionate and she loves that he’s feeling things. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her and I would love to rewatch the tapes and see how many times a Bachelor/Bachelorette has declared feelings before one of the contestants? Gotta be one of very few times. Kendall grabs his face and they nearly knock over the table to make out. Their relationship is still just very fascinating to me.

They head to her parents’ house and I’m instantly wondering what her parents do to be able to afford to live this way in LA. Arie meets Kendall’s parents, KYLIE, and their little brother, Colton. I’m saddened to learn that Colton neither starts with a K nor is his nickname “Rob”. Kendall and her mom go and talk and her mom is mostly concerned because Kendall is so weird. This is my favorite most self aware family ever. They’re all just wondering if Arie truly knows how weird Kendall is. God, I hope not.

Kendall tells her mom that she’s worried about the fact that Arie told her he was falling for her. I gotta say, Kendall is going to go down in history as one of the most realistic contestants. Is it scary that someone is falling in love with you in 5 weeks after literally never having gone on a date? OF COURSE. Is it bad that your boyfriend is dating, at one point, 28 other women? OBVIOUSLY. Is it nerve wracking that someone might ask you to get married before you’ve ever been on a full date? YAH. Kendall’s mom seems to share Kendall’s hesitation, but basically, she just says that if you feel your heart opening around someone, that’s the right person. If you feel your heart closing around them, it’s time to let them go. PREACH, KENDALL’S MOM!

Kylie and Arie sit down and Kylie is apparently like an energy reader or something? She tells Arie that she could sense a little bit of space between Arie and Kendall. Arie looks genuinely a little offended by that and says that he feels pretty connected to Kendall. He thinks that they challenge each other and their chemistry is amazing. He goes on to tell her that, for him, he definitely sees a proposal at the end of this and he’s worried that Kendall may not be ready for marriage. Kylie can’t speak for her sister on that, but she does think that Kendall is ready to be in love.

Kendall and Kylie (!!!) sit down and Kylie tells her sister that she really likes Arie – she wants to know what feels different about Arie, though. Kendall tells her that, with Arie, it feels effortless. She was shocked when Arie told her he was falling for her and her immediate reaction was just to kiss him. Kylie asks her if she did that to speed the moment along or why she did that – I love this question, like yes, that’s a conversation between two people who know each other really damn well. The main reason Kylie asks is that she doesn’t feel the undeniable love between Kendall and Arie, which, same.

Kendall’s dad sits down with Arie and tells him that he’s skeptical. The guy barely lets Arie speak before jumping the gun and telling Arie that he wouldn’t give him his blessing if he asked for it. HE DIDN’T EVEN ASK YET, DUDE. It’s a very weird conversation because her dad basically says they’ll support whatever Kendall decides, but still doesn’t give his blessing. It’s very uncomf. Back to Kendall and Kylie and Kendall says that she does not think she’s ready to get engaged. Yeesh. She feels herself falling for Arie and she’s afraid to lose him, but she’s still not ready to get engaged right now. Kylie tells her sister that she has to tell Arie how she feels because she might lose him if she doesn’t. YES, SISTER ADVICE.

Kendall and Arie head out for the night and Kendall tells Arie that she struggles with explaining her feelings – finally she tells him that she’s falling her him. She says that she resorts to kissing because it’s hard for her to talk about emotions, but she loved being able to tell Arie that she’s falling for him. Ayiyi.

WEINER, ARKANSAS! Time for Tia! Weiner is apparently a very tight knit community, which is fun – Arie and Tia meet up in the literal backwoods and Tia says that she wanted to do something today with him that is near and dear to his heart just like the south is near and dear to hers. Aww! They walk over to a racetrack where Arie has the opportunity to drive a car he’s never driven before. All in all, this seems like a highly dangerous racetrack and I’m a little scared for Tia.

Tia is excited to see how Arie interacts with her family because they could be his future in-laws. Arie will be meeting her parents, her brother, her aunt, and her cousin. At her parents’ house, her family is talking about what they’re about to experience, too, and Tia’s dad says that he’s just waiting for the handshake, because that will tell him everything. Oh no, now I have to go work on my handshake. Arie and Tia walk in and I’m noticing that Arie immediately kisses the women on the cheek, which makes me uncomfortable. Tia jumps in and tells everyone about how stressful their last date was in Tuscany. Her dad calls him “AIR-Y” which KILLS me and they all join in eating some little wieners. Apparently, during the day Tia and Arie did meet up with Raven and Adam and I’m extremely sad that we didn’t get to see it.

Arie and Tia’s brother sit down to talk and her brother says that he hasn’t always been there for Tia, but he gets to be there for her now. Immediately, he jumps in and says that there are rumors swirling around that he’s a playboy and that he’s the “Kissing Bandit”. Dying. Arie is like “Well, I didn’t choose the nickname, it was just because of the last time I was on the show”, but absolutely does not address the fact that he’s a playboy. You all know I love Arie, but his reputation surely does precede him and it looks like Tia’s family has been reading the same Bachelor gossip articles I have for the last 5 years. Arie does say that he’s had years of his life that he wasn’t very serious and was traveling the world racing. Tia’s brother just wants to make sure that Arie is who he says he is. I love how Arie describes Tia as honest and open and even her brother is like “she’s not gentle”, which is the best description of her and honestly something to emulate. Her brother was not planning on liking Arie, but he did end up liking him. Warms my little heart.

Tia’s dad sits down with Tia and basically wants to know that he’s nothing like the guys Tia has dated in the past – he’s also concerned that he’s a player. She tells him that she sees him for who he is and thinks that he’s a stand up guy. Her dad tells her that he’ll see what he can get out of him. I love this family.

Tia’s dad immediately asks Arie if he’s serious about this whole thing – the only stuff he knows about him is from the internet and that stuff isn’t all the great. Arie kind of laughs it off and says that it’s really stressful to be dating 25 girls. Arie tells Tia’s dad that if he ends up with Tia, he would take care of her and put her first then he asks for her dad’s blessing. WEEEE! Her dad says that he would trust her daughter’s judgment and clearly she really digs him. So, sorta kinda, he gave his blessing? “If you hurt her, I can find you on Google.” I love the subtle Google ad.

Tia and her mom sit down and Tia tells her that she’s never dated someone like Arie that communicates with her. Her mom trust her choices and Tia says that she’s learned so much about herself through this experience and she’s happy she gets to share it with Arie. Tia’s parents are literally so supportive of Tia as a person I love them so much. Arie and Tia head out, but not before Tia’s dad hugs Arie and I love it. They sit down outside and Tia tells Arie the perfect scenario would be today having gone well and being in love with Arie, not just falling in love with him. IT’S THE FUCKING TRUTH THAT SHE’S IN LOVE WITH HIM. I love the way she says stuff, it’s so poetic. Arie and Tia both say it was the perfect day, and I’m proud of Tia for figuring out that she’s in love with him.

Over to Minnesota – Becca and Arie meet in an apple orchard and I’M SO JEALOUS. I LOVE AN APPLE ORCHARD. I guess I had forgotten that she mentioned it on their first date, but Becca’s dad passed away when she was 19, so I didn’t realize how emotional this date was going to be. Becca and Arie go around picking apples and eating them and, for some reason, putting them in a slingshot? It’s a rather unconventional apple orchard attraction, but okay.

Becca tells Arie that today he’ll meet her mom and her Uncle Gary who is a pastor and is like a second father for her. Arie asks for advice on the conversation that he’s sure he’ll have with Uncle Gary. I love that Becca just says she wants him to be open and honest with her family about how he’s feeling. This date is going to be a make or break deal for Becca. While Arie and Becca are walking up to her mom’s house, you can already tell that the family is not entirely on board with this entire thing. It looks v intense in this house. Godspeed, my friends.

Arie walks in and meets everyone and they all sit down to dinner – her mom asks how this time around is different than when he was on the Bachelorette and there’s a lot of side eye happening around this table. I honestly don’t even remember his answer, I was too busy watching all the shade being thrown. Becca toasts to a good night and Uncle Gary makes an additional toast to Becca’s dad and takes a sip and then just goes for it and asks to talk to Arie.

They go sit down and Gary says that Becca’s dad was a great hunter and fisherman and carved all these ducks and then we pan to a room filled with many, many, wooden ducks. I have no doubt that Becca’s dad was a great man, but this absolutely seems like a weird way to explain that he was great. We find out that Gary did Becca’s dad’s funeral and is very emotional about that fact that it should be Becca’s dad sitting her, not him. We also find out that Becca’s mom has had breast cancer, and through all of this her family has stuck together. Becca’s uncles are her guard dogs, which you can’t help but respect. Gary throws some tough questions and Arie says that Becca is the real deal. I’m honestly surprised at how well Arie is handling this date.

Becca and her mom talk and her mom likes Arie, but she’s worried that it takes time to really know someone. Becca tells her mom that she told Arie that if he was going to ask for anyone’s approval to get engaged, he should ask her mom. Her mom does not seem to be okay with a proposal at the end of this. We cut back to Gary and Arie and Gary asks Arie what he would do if Becca wanted to go to church and without skipping a beat, Arie says he would go with her. Becca and her mom both want to make sure that Becca is totally confident that this is the one and only, father of her child, before she chooses to move forward with him. Becca does see Arie as a great partner and father. Her mom says that if they choose to be together, which it seems like she’s not more comfortable with, she would grieve knowing that Becca might not be in Minnesota. This breaks my damn heart. As someone who has moved across the country twice, it hurt my heart a little to know that Becca’s mom felt this way. Her mom trusts her and wants the best for her – she wants her to be loved, content and filled.

Becca’s mom is surprised, I think, by how much Becca seems to like Arie and also how much she likes Arie herself. I love that her mom asks Arie to think about relationships that he admires and what he things makes them work. He immediately thinks of his parents and says that they choose each other every day. Her mom loves that answer and asks if he thinks the two of them are on the same page – he thinks they are: it’s obvious to him that Becca would be an amazing wife and he adores her. He goes on to ask for her mom’s blessing and she says that she can’t exactly give him what she thinks he’s asking for, but she can say that she would honor Becca’s choice. I love it. They leave and Becca is s happy with how that went, and honestly, I’m surprised at how successful it was. Everything with Arie feels right for her.

Finally, we head to Virginia Beach to meet up with Lauren who is very casual. They’re weirdly like touchy feely now which I would not have described them as a mere week ago. They go horseback riding on the beach and end up watching the sunset from this pretty glass tall building thing and I think the editing is supposed to make us like Lauren a lot? They have food on a pier and Lauren tells Arie that her family will be protective and skeptical of this whole situation. They’re eating crab legs and they each hold one up and she says “Break a leg tonight and I hope no one’s crabby.” What, like, suddenly she has a personality that includes humor?

Arie is freaking out a little and they walk into her parents’ house and it seems VERY formal. You know how on HGTV shows they’re just like “I want a place where people will want to come and feel comfortable”? This is absolutely not that space. Arie feels like the room is really tense and notes about how physically far away they are from her family. It’s weird.

We do find out that this is a military family, which makes more sense, but then we immediately move to a conversation about how Lauren’s dad is disappointed that Arie lives in Scottsdale, but doesn’t play golf. Then, like, really bluntly, Lauren’s mom asks Arie if he’s ready to settle down. It’s so weirdly direct out of nowhere. Arie has to get up and go talk to a producer in the front hall while he fans himself and pats his face dry from all the sweat. He says he almost as nervous here as he was when he was in the Indy 500. FORMAL PLACES DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

Lauren and her aunt sit down and her aunt was not expecting Lauren to like Arie that much or for him to like her that much. It’s the most backhanded statement maybe ever? Interestingly, Lauren wants to know if her aunt would be comfortable giving Arie her blessing for the two of them. It seems like she and her aunt are extremely close if she’s asking her this, but then we never hear from her again.

Arie and Lauren’s dad head outside to talk and her dad even says that he has red flags for Arie, basically saying that he seems extremely self centered. Yikes. Her dad just wants to find out if Arie would protect his daughter with his life. It seems like that’s what they’re heading outside to talk about, but instead, they just talk about planes they’ve flown and then Arie tells him that he and a bunch of other racers went over to Iraq and toured around to meet soldiers there. Instantly, Lauren’s dad is on Arie’s side now – he toasts him and thanks him for going over there to spend time with our soldiers. Her dad tells Arie that they trust Lauren and they don’t worry about her picking the right guy. If Lauren likes him, he likes him, too. Lauren’s dad was not at all tough on Arie and both Arie and I are very surprised to find this out.

Speaking of being hard on people, Arie sits with Lauren’s mom and he tells her that he thinks he and Lauren are very similar. Lauren said this one other time and I can’t say that I agree, honestly, but also, we’ve seen literally no personality from Lauren, so it’s hard to tell. Lauren’s mom is pretty cold the entire time that she’s talking to Arie – she kind of grills him on compartmentalizing the relationships he has with all these women and just doesn’t want to see Lauren get hurt. Arie pushes back a little and eventually says that she has to have a little trust that he’s falling in love with Lauren. He ends up asking Lauren’s mom for her blessing and she really doesn’t give it, just says that she trusts Lauren.

Lauren sits down with her mom and tells her that she’s falling in love with Arie. She tells her mom that she’s never dated anyone like Arie and loves telling her mom that Arie included the word “deeply” when he told Lauren he was falling for her. Lauren goes on to say that she doesn’t think Arie would have told her something like that if he was telling other people the same thing. Yikes. She starts to tear up at the thought of her future with Arie, it’s very confusing times. Her mom just keeps saying that it’s weird for her, but she hopes it’s real and hopes it lasts forever. Lauren seems very emotionally fragile for someone who has, previously, not shown an ounce of emotion or personality. It was a relatively good hometown for Arie, but Lauren’s mom does not seem to be on board with the whole thing, honestly.

The women show back up at the mansion and suddenly all of them (except for Kendall) are very open with saying that they’re in love with Arie. Becca walks in first and says that there are “three too many girls here, still”. LOL. Tia wants to tell Arie she’s so in love with him, Lauren does feel comfortable declaring her love and Kendall apparently has nothing really to say. Arie arrives in a relatively casual suit and tells Chris Harrison that he can see his life working with each and every one of these women. He really has no idea what to do, but he doesn’t want to look back and have any regrets.

Arie walks into the room with the women and tells them that this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make in his life. Then he stops, looks very concerned, and has to excuse himself for a minute. The camera truly lingers on him in that hallway while all of Bachelor Nation and Arie are trying to figure out what’s going on. Finally, he returns to the room and apologizes, but before he can make any decision he has to talk to Kendall. WOWOWOWOWOW. Not at all what I was expecting. Tia, Becca, and Lauren are all standing there very confused about what’s happening – is he saying goodbye to her right now? Is he trying to decide between two people?? WHAT’S GOING ON?

Arie gets straight to the point with Kendall and asks if she can get to a place where she’s ready to be engaged. He tells her that if she stays, that means sending someone home who is definitely ready to get married. She can’t tell him at this moment that she’s ready to be engaged, but she loves the way he makes her feel and she’s worked through so much with him. She doesn’t really know what he needs from her, but she does not want to lose him.

While the other three are still discussing what’s going on, Kendall and Arie return, clearly indicating that he did not send her home and she’ll likely be getting a rose. Or at least, I’m sure that’s what the three of them were all realizing in that moment. Congrats to: Becca, Lauren, and Kendall. I am LIVID that Arie has just hurt my girl, Tia, but I’m much happier to see her crushed now than in the final two. She’s going to make the best Bachelorette. She and Arie go outside to sit and she asks him what she did wrong, she wants an explanation. I’m very pissed that Arie is not at all emotional about this, but he tells her that she didn’t do anything wrong, she’s an incredible woman and anyone would be lucky to have her. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s not enough, though. She gets up after many tear-filled (from her side) hugs and tells him to follow his heart. She’s a damn STAR. In the limo, she says that this is the shit that makes her put her guard up and protect her heart. It’s extremely hard for her to be vulnerable because she’s done it before and it left her feeling like this exactly and she’s just tired of it. She is the best and if she’s not the Bachelorette I’m going to revolt. I’m glad she’s not with Arie, though, let’s go find her the best man around.

Next week on The Bachelor: Sand dunes! Kendall isn’t sure, Lauren is scared that she’ll be heartbroken, and Becca loves Arie. Also a southern man is here to get his girl and someone is crying in a house and Arie just leaves them there. SUCH DRAMA! See ya then!

The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 7

This week on The Bachelor: there are objectively too many dates, literally everyone, including Arie is weeping, and I learn an important geography lesson! Let’s not waste time, folks, time to get into it!

We’re in Tuscany this week! Both Tia and I are confused about what and where Tuscany is - we find out that it is a region, not a city, and in that region is Pisa and Florence and other places that I had no idea were even in a region! What can I say, geography was not my favorite subject in school. Chris Harrison meets with the remaining seven women - I’ll call myself out and say that I think in my last recap I erroneously said there were only six women left. But I am also confused by this odd number. Chris Harrison tells the ladies that there will not be a rose ceremony this week, only roses on the dates. Honestly, that’s better, like why was there ever a rose ceremony the week leading up to hometowns? This week there will be three one-on-ones and a group date. 

After Chris Harrison says he “hopes to see everyone soon”, which, you know, he won’t, but they all disperse and the women, and I, are wondering the order of these dates. The group date has to be last I guess? Second last? WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN? They show up to their beautiful hotel that has a beautiful view and the first date card arrives: “Becca K.: Let’s fall in love under the Tuscan sun…Arie” Ooh! Love Becca. There’s little to no time to prepare because there’s so many damn dates this week, but Arie drives up in what appears to be the exact car that broke down on his date with Jacqueline last week. Becca runs out to join him and I’m loving her dress and also the fact that Arie not only opens her door for her, but also offers her the seatbelt! Safety first, folks! 

Arie says he chose Becca for this first date for a reason - since their first date, he says that they haven’t really built on their relationship and have kind of missed the romantic connection. Today, they’re going to have a quiet day, which sounds fun since I’m writing this on a work holiday and there’s literal constant jackhammering right outside my window. A QUIET DAY IN TUSCANY IS JUST WHAT I NEED. They walk around this cute little town and stop at a bread stand on the street (!!) and order A SMALL LOAF. Honestly, such a mistake. Always. Buy. The. Large. Loaf. 

Becca says that she’s never really been traveling with a boyfriend except for once to San Diego. How romantic. She doesn’t want to admit that she’s smitten, but she kind of is. They sit and have a little picnic after picking out some stuff for a charcuterie board and Arie tells her that, at the beginning of their relationship, he was super confident. He does, however, want to make sure the they’re moving forward, to which she agrees. She wouldn’t stick around if she weren’t interested. Now, lots of people are going to say exactly that this week, but honestly I don’t buy it. Would you really just leave? Who knows. 

They have a wonderful time all day it seems and Arie says that he’s always wanted it to be there with Becca and after today, he feels like it is - they found that passion and he can really envision himself falling in love with her. YES DO IT. They make out against a wall for the first time - what a joy for you, Becca!

Back at the hotel, Jacqueline says that she is not feeling well and has swirling doubts. She held off on developing feelings until their one-on-one and maybe because of that, this whole thing doesn’t feel feasible to her. Jacqueline doesn’t think that promising him that she’s ready to be in this serious of a relationship is acceptable if she’s having any doubts. She doesn’t know how to be in this situation that’s so accelerated, and perhaps worst of all, she can’t visualize his conversations with her parents. THE HORROR. 

Becca and Arie sit down to dinner and he asks her who he would meet if he goes to her hometown - he’d meet Becca’s mom and her mom’s boyfriend Tim, who is very observant. He’d also meet her Uncle Gary who will ask the right questions at the right time, but won’t be overbearing. Love those descriptions. Arie says he likes tough questions and it sounds like he’d probably be heading into that if he goes to her hometown. Although she was in a seven year relationship, this would be the first real time she’s brought someone home to introduce as her boyfriend since the last relationship was sp off and on. Becca feels comfortable and isn’t nervous after today and she’s definitely falling for Arie. She tells him she can see a future with him and his response is to kiss her and say absolutely nothing. 

Arie grabs the rose and says that he’s really happy that Becca feels so deeply for him and is really, really, really hopeful for them - he also tells her he’s here for her and he’s falling for her and can’t wait to meet her family. SO OF COURSE SHE GETS THE ROSE. I feel like Becca is the perfect Bachelor contestant, I’m glad she’s here. When Arie woke up this morning, he had his doubts, but he definitely feels like he made the right choice. To end the night, he finds another wall to push her up against and make out with her. Ah, bliss. 

Back at the hotel, there’s a knock at the door with the next date card: “Lauren: Let’s break down our walls…Arie” Lauren and I both weren’t expecting that. Kendall tells her that this is an amazing sign that he’s really interested and Jacqueline just doesn’t feel that well. She says it’s hard to watch these women charge ahead in their relationships and she just doesn’t trust her instincts to make these decisons. The next thing I know, Jacqueline is KNOCKING ON ARIE’S DOOR. I JUST NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT. 

Arie lets her in and instantly Jacqueline grabs his glass of wine and takes a big ole swig. Every time they give Jacqueline even a moment of on screen time, I find her more and more hilarious. She sits him down and says that, coming into this, she didn’t expect to develop strong feelings, but she got swept off her feet. Part of her is really falling for him, but when she thinks about hometowns, she’s just not confident enough in her feelings to take him home. She thinks that she don’t really have a base or a foundation and that other women here are extremely confident, that’s just not the case for her. I gotta say: I respect the shit outta Jacqueline for this move. Remember like two minutes ago when I was asking if anyone would actually leave at this point in the game? Well, Jacqueline has almost instantly proved me wrong. Arie seems to respect this move, too, and is glad that she came to him to tell him. She says she can’t even look at him so she just makes out with him instead. Lol. 

She leaves in tears after they kiss about a dozen more times and she just fully breaks down in the hallway. My favorite thing about her leaving is her summary of what she’s just gone through: “Hi Arie, you’re perfect in every way and yet I still don’t know if I can marry you. See ya!” Love it. Bai, Jacqueline! I know we’ve only known you for about 7 minutes total, but you were a welcome surprise in this season of Krystal. 

Arie is ready the next day for his date with Lauren, but he does say that his breakup with Jacquline was heartbreaking. Lauren and he are in the town of Luca and their date is that they’re going to be biking around a wall? That’s all I really got. They head off on their bikes and Arie is STANDING on his bike and I’m honestly amazed. They end up not at a wall, but rather, in a Piazza eating actual food which I find perhaps most stunning of all. Now is the time for him to re-evaluate and see if there could be a future between them. He asks Lauren about her family and how she sees her hometown going - he feels ready for this next step, but doesn’t know if she is. She is concerned because this would be the first guy she’d be bringing home since her last relationship with her ex-fiance. They’re apparently good with how the conversation left off and they find some children to go play soccer with. At this point, Arie says, Lauren is very hard to read and he’s really conflicted about her heading into tonight. He’s hoping for a breakthrough and if there isn’t one, he doesn’t feel comfortable giving her a rose. 

Back at the hotel, Kendall says that her decisions thus far have been to protect Arie. They all decide that they need to give feelings back to Arie, it’s not enough to just “accept roses”, which, like, yeah, of course. The third date card arrives: “Seinne: I’m searching for the one…Arie” V INTERESTING. That leaves Tia, Kendall, and Bekah M. for the group date. Two people in the final six who haven’t gotten a one-on-one? This seems like a franchise first. 

Wherever Lauren and Arie go to dinner is very beautiful and I would like to go to there. Arie wants to tell Lauren how he feels, which sounds exciting. They toast, with potentially the largest champagne flute in history, to breaking down more walls tonight. Have any walls been broken down at all at this point? Arie tells Lauren that it’s a great quality that she observes and thinks before she speaks, but he wants to know where her head is at and if she’s ready to bring him to her hometown. She’s really glad he brought up that question and then completely moves to another subject. She admits that she has a hard time connecting her emotions to what she says and that after their one-on-one she knew there was something different about him. She then reveals that she feels like she’s falling in love with him. He literally completely remains silent and stares at her for way too long and even she is like “you seem like you have something to say about that” and then he GETS UP AND LEAVES. I’M STUNNED AND CONFUSED AND OMG. 

It’s a sad state of affairs when the most dramatic moment in this episode is when someone leaves a table. Lauren, rightfully, starts crying because how the hell are you supposed to feel when you tell a guy you’re falling in love wth him and then he immediately LEAVES??? It’s so unclear what is happening and why he left and poor Lauren, who I don’t even like that much, is stuck there thinking about what he’s doing and what is running through his head. She’s worried that she said too much too soon and now she’s even regretting being this vulnerable. Eventually he returns to the table and then just NEVER EXPLAINS WHAT HAPPENS. He kinda sorta says that he got nervous when he was thinking about her parents?? She gets the rose and like WHAT?? NOTHING IS EXPLAINED?? WHY ISN’T SHE JUST SO CONFUSED??? He then reveals that he felt some things that he hasn’t felt in a very long time and feels vulnerable and he’s falling DEEPLY in love with her. He even tells us (not her) that he wants to tell her he loves her??? Like WHAT were these past 2 minutes my mind is spinning?!?!?

These past two dates have set the bar high for Arie so for Seinne I’m a little worried - she meets him and they go and meet GUILIO THE TRIFFLE HUNTER. Omg and his truffle dogs. I want this life. I’m sure it’s an Italian word, but is anyone else concerned that Guilio keeps saying “MAGA”? Arie and Seinne and Guilio and the truffle dogs go into the woods to find some rare truffles and wOULDN’T YA KNOW IT, THERE’S MANY TO BE FOUND. I smell collusion. Speaking of MAGA. Once they’ve found far too many truffles to be convincingly accurate, they head to Guilio’s house and honestly this is the date of a lifetime. Arie and Seinne get to make homemade pasta and talk to this family about love and it’s honestly my DREAM date. The family grills both Arie and Seinne and it seems to be going really well for them - I don’t know why but all of a sudden I’m very into the two of them together. 

For dinner, Arie says that he can tell that Seinne really, really likes him. I’m back to only sort of liking them together. He talks about how Seinne is logical and he is a person that leads with his heart. He wants to know what their future would look like, which is a valid question. Basically, he doesn’t want to get to the end of this and fall in love only to realize that they are not at all on the same page. Arie straight up asks her if she feels like she’s had enough time to take their relationship to the next level and she kinda says no. Apparently she shuts things off when she’s not with Arie, which does not seem like a great thing, but kind of understandable in this situation. Just when it seems they’re about to get down to the truth of something, literally BELLS interrupt them. Despite full BELLS interrupting, neither of them acknowledge the BELLS?? I think the moment these bells go off, though, is the moment that Seinne realizes that she’s probably about to go home empty handed. 

Back at the hotel, everyone is freaking out about Seinne’s date because if she doesn’t get a rose, there will be two available on the group date. Speaking of, time for the final date card: “Bekah M., Tia, Kendall: Meet me at Villa Reale…Arie” Are these girls supposed to know where this is? 

Seinne tells Arie that she doesn’t want this to be the end of their relationship and she’s not ready to not have him in her life anymore. For him, it’s hard to picture sending Seinne home, but something is off and he’s struggling to find that deep emotion that he’s had with the last 2 dates. He grabs the rose and tells her that there isn’t anything wrong with them, but he just hasn’t felt things that he thinks he should be feeling at this moment. He thinks they should be further along and he just can’t give her the rose. She turns slightly robotic in the moment and is just like “Okay, good luck!” Does she have emotions? I do have to give it to her, though, when she tells him that they might actually be further along if he had taken the time to express some of his concerns. TRU. The PA assigned to bag duty takes Seinne’s bag from the hotel and the girls lose their damn mind. Except for Bekah who literally just says that her odds went up. Tacky. 

Kendall, Tia, and Bekah M. meet Arie at this Villa that is mostly a field. It’s v beautiful and I would also like to go to here. They sit down in this little seating area outside and the food available for them at this table looks BOMB. Why is no one eating this focaccia????? Arie asks Kendall to hang out, which is a cute way of asking, and they walk into the distance. Kendall doesn’t worry about their chemistry, she just wants to know how they would fit together. She tells Arie that she’s extremely close to her family and her family will probably be concerned about how late they started. She’s never been in a long distance relationship, but she’s thinking ahead and realizing that if they get to the end of this, she’d probably consider moving to be with him just because it’s so important for her to be in the same place as someone she’s dating. 

While Kendall and Arie are making out, Tia and Bekah are miraculously ignoring this delicious looking food and Tia asks Bekah if she has any doubts about being ready for all this. Bekah’s response is basically that she’s ready to be back at her house with her family and friends. Ok then. Tia likes Bekah, but she just doesn’t think she’s all that serious. 

Tia and Arie go to chat and she starts out by telling him about her reservations with Bekah and how she’s not serious enough about this. She thinks she’s on a different page than the rest of the women and she just hasn’t had enough experience and hasn’t been in love. I agree with this, but this is literally the exact same argument Krystal had against Kendall a mere week ago. They move on rather quickly and Tia says that she’s ready for Arie to meet her family and she has no doubts in her mind. Her feelings for Arie have been the one constant thing throughout this whole experience and then they make out for awhile and tell each other that they love each other’s lips. Cute?

Tia returns to the great looking food and decides to talk to Bekah about what just went down - first, she says that it concerns her that Bekah has doubts in this and then she does tell her that she told Arie about her concerns. I’m loving how straightforward these women are this year, like YES. Bekah starts crying almost immediately, which I would do, too, for sure. Bekah’s sick of people saying that she’s not serious about all of this and feels hurt and misunderstood. She doesn’t like it when she’s not seen for who she is. We get a Lauren Conrad level mascara cry, it’s pretty excellent. 

Arie finds Bekah crying and she tells him about her conversation with Tia. She tells him that she would not still be here if she didn’t care about Arie and it was so upsetting to her because everyone, including him, feels like she isn’t serious about this. Valid. She just wants to be seen for her heart. They move on, also pretty quickly, and she tells him that her family is very skeptical about this process. She cares about their opinion a lot and she apparently facetious them every day??? THAT CANNOT BE TRUE GIVEN THAT YOU WERE MISSING A SINGLE WEEK AGO AND THE INTERNET HAD TO CLOSE YOUR MISSING PERSONS FILE. Maybe I’m clouded by the absurdity that this bitch literally “went missing” to go work on a marijuana farm, but clearly she’s not as close with her family as she’s pretending to be here. Anyway, she tells Arie that she doesn’t foresee her family having a big problem with their age difference and then they look through her hair to find some white hairs. Mmk. 

They head back to the table with still the sAME AMOUNT OF FOOD AS WAS THERE WHEN THEY ARRIVED. Where is Corinne Olympios when you need her????? She would NOT let this delicious looking food just sit here the whole time. Arie grabs the first rose and talks about how high pressure this date has been, but there is one person that he feels really confident in. Congrats to KENDALL FOR GETTING THE ROSE. I’m actually so thrilled for this. We’ve had some true weirdos on this franchise, but none usually make it to hometowns, how exciting! 

A few hours pass and they’re all back at the Villa for dinner or just drinks or whatever you call it when three people are on a date and one of them is about to be crushed. Tia felt really confident a few hours ago, but not so much anymore. Tia toasts to being open and honest and direct and finding love at the end of this. THE PERFECT TOAST. She and Arie head outside and immediately Tia is just like “comparison is a bitch”. TRU TRU. She’s very stressed out, clearly, but she is still falling in love with him and feels like her love for him grows every time she sees him. She’s given him a piece of her heart and she wants him to protect and take care of it - something none of her past boyfriends have ever been able to do. 

Bekah and Arie lay down on a couch and she begs him to have a little faith in her 22-year-old self. She describes them both as logical people that lead with their hearts, which I think is kinda the opposite description of himself as told to Seinne. She thinks she’s falling in love with him and she wants him to have a little more faith in her. I don’t think faith in her is the problem, which is probably why it’s not so surprising when TIA GETS THE FINAL ROSE. YAHS GIRL, I’M SO EXCITED FOR YOUUUU!

And with that, I say to you, BAI BEKAH THE BULLY. Arie walks her outside and she tells him that this will end well for him and she bursts into tears in the van. She’s not a very attractive crier. It’s hard for her to accept that this journey is over and THAT SENTENCE RIGHT THERE IS EXACTLY HOW I KNOW SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE THE BACHELORETTE THE WHOLE TIME. NO ONE CALLS IT A JOURNEY UNLESS YOU’RE AIMING FOR THE LEAD. Ugh. Arie starts to cry and says that he liked her a lot, but he just did not see their lives fitting together. SAME. 

Next time on The Bachelor: Hometowns! Lots of taxidermy will be found, they’ll eat some cocktail wienies in Weiner, Arkansas, and these families look really intense. CAN’T WAIT. 

The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 6

The moment we’ve all been waiting for: a predictable exit for Krystal. And also the secondary villain? What could possibly be in store for the rest of the season?!? This week, we’re in Paris, the women are on a boat, and we find out that someone named Jacqueline has been there the whole time. Let’s do it!

It took me far too long to realize that the women were not only boarding a boat for funzies, but they were actually staying on the boat. It took me even longer to realize that the boat was fully docked the entire time and was likely just making some of them seasick unnecessarily. They’re in Paris and Arie seems to think that this will be an amazing week and also that this entire experience has been amazing thus far. Really? Given that we’re two weeks from hometowns, they make Arie talk about the women he might propose to – he says he can see Bekah K. at the end of this, he briefly mentions Bekah the Bully and Tia, and then we find out that he can see his life with more than one woman there. Hmm.

Jacqueline – who? – says that last week was her best week with Arie. I genuinely want to see a recut of all the previous episodes featuring Jacqueline, like, for all we know, last week was the very first time she ever spoke to Arie so of course it was her best week with Arie. Krystal, meanwhile, wants to pick up with Arie where they left off. She says that Arie giving her a rose last week was a gesture that meant he wants to continue their relationship. I HATE THAT SHE’S ACTUALLY RIGHT ABOUT IT.

Chris Harrison boards the boat and tells the women that this week is “all about relationships”. FINALLY a new twist in this franchise! This week there will be 2 one-on-ones, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one dated. OJECTIVELY, THAT IS TOO MANY DATES. The first date card is here – “Lauren: Tombons amoureux a Paris…Arie” which may or may not be spelled correctly and apparently means “Let’s fall in love”. Look, I’m fine with Lauren, I still think she has no personality, but sure, I mean, who else was going to get a one-on-one? Before I realized that the boat is just permanently docked and was not just floating at sea, I was L O L’ing at the fact that Arie runs out after the date card was read as if he’d boarded the boat days ago just waiting for someone to read his fun little note. He walks up to grab Lauren who is “freaking out” about their date – not exactly a vote of confidence. She says that she wants him to open up to her as much as she plans to open up with him. Alrighty.

They leave the boat and...board another boat. This time a smaller boat with a Parisian man who also just is not sensing the chemistry. The remainder of this date is in complete silence. No really. We cut from the boat to Notre Dame to some open air market and throughout it all, Lauren is completely mute. The editing also makes it seem like I’m the only one noticing how uncomfortable this is – all of Bachelor Nation was like, “Am I supposed to be into this or is it supposed to be as weird as it is?”.

Back on the larger boat, Kendall and Tia talk about if Lauren will come back or not – they both apparently agree that this date is a make or break for Lauren and she needs to put it all out there if she wants to stay. I love the women predicting the outcome of their boyfriend’s date with another woman.

Arie, understandably, is worried because Lauren is very quiet and isn’t even sure if she likes him. It gets so bad that at one point they sit down at what is likely a beautiful Parisian landmark and Arie says, “I would love, more than anything, for you to like me.” Lauren’s brilliant response? “Yeah”. YIKES. Arie goes on to say that he feels like they’re missing that “simple, easy conversation” aka any conversation at all, and he also thinks they haven’t had enough time even though they’ve had ALL DAY. If only it took a single day to figure out if your relationship would work. Arie gives himself an ultimatum: if they’re no connection by the end of the night, he’ll have to say goodbye.

Back at the Maritime Motel, Kendall says that she selfishly needs the one-on-one to get time with Arie. Jacqueline thinks that this is the city where she could shine. Mmk. “Becca K., Seinne, Bekah M., Tia, Chelsea Jenna: Let’s get all dressed up…Arie”. Well that leaves Kendall, Krystal, and Jacqueline to vie for the one-on-one. INTERESTING. My initial thoughts were that Krystal would be on a two-on-one with either Tia or Bekah M., but surprise, surprise, it will apparently be with either a woman who has been willingly trying to connect with her or a woman who has, until today, never been seen.

Arie and Lauren head to dinner and Arie says that they “had a really great day”. What’s that now???? I’m distracted, though, because Lauren is wearing her favorite color: bUrGaNdy!!! Arie makes a toast, but I can’t remember what he says because I’m too busy PUKING after he WINKS at her like a GROSS OLD MAN. There was a meme that popped up on my timeline today with a gif of Arie giving Bekah M. a rose and it’s just captioned “When your dad doesn’t want you to feel left out on Valentine’s Day”. I mean, not only is that an excellent meme that had me ROFL, but also feels very applicable to this WINK SITUATION, TOO. Arie kind of half asks her why she was so quiet today and she says that Paris was “so busy” and that freaked her out. Now. Okay. Hear me out, kids. As someone with relatively severe agoraphobia, I relate to this on a very deep level. But. And I mean, BUT. SHE’S JUST A BORING PERSON WITH NO PERSONALITY, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CROWDS.

Lauren is glad that Arie is so “observant” because it’s not easy for her to open up. She goes on to tell Arie that in every serious relationship she’s been in, she’s put the guy in the friend zone for at least 6 months. She’s 25, btw, how many serious relationships could she have been in after putting a guy in the friendzone for 6 months? She has a hard time trusting people, which is interesting, because I have a hard time trusting her. Arie says that the most serious relationship he’s ever been in was with someone who had two kids – this same person was apparently PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD, lost the baby while he was away on a trip, and when he came back, she was gone. This is an absolutely devastating story. I have no idea what made him feel safe enough to tell Lauren about this, but damn, this is heavy. The weirdest thing about this entire thing is that this is the story that’s supposed to convince her that it’s hard for him to open up to people too????

She apparently finds it endearing and tells Arie that her parents did not have an easy marriage and that “warped” her view of men in general. We also find out that, surprise, she was engaged in her last relationship, which I actually find fascinating. When she and her ex got engaged, he immediately starting treating her badly and because of that, she’s even more guarded than she was before. Lauren then goes on to describe Arie as “soft and sweet and kind” and she promptly bursts into tears because she’s afraid she won’t be able to open up in time.

If this were a great season with a lot of endearing personalities, I might have any feelings whatsoever about this date, but it’s not and I don’t. It’s boring and weirdly too deep but also very surface level? You know those people you meet and within five minutes they’re telling you extremely personal information and your face kinda doesn’t know what to do? That’s basically this entire season. Lauren gets the rose and finds this entire scenario “astonishing”. Honestly, same.

For the group date, the women head to the Moulin Rouge and this is the Best. Thing. Ever. to happen to Jenna aka the craziest bitch there ever was. They walk in and the women/dancers/confident women are rehearsing and are definitely wearing thongs. Miss Janet is here, though, along with Eric, and are here to teach the women maybe a routine? Maybe just some light twirling? It’s unclear. They all jump up on stage with Miss Janet and Eric and they’re kinda sorta trying to be flirty with Arie and it’s VERY uncomfortable. As boring as Lauren’s date was is as uncomfortable as I am watching these women. Tia, of course, is painfully self aware and says she’s not very sexy and, in fact, she’s “fucking horrible”. She’s such a star.

We rush through this entire rehearsal process and then the women have to put on Moulin Rouge costumes and then perform, but it’s somehow not a choreographed routine and is just them walking? Meanwhile, Arie is wearing a FULL CAPE. I have truly no distinct memories of this weird performance, all I know is that it meant nothing? They’re going to go to change out of their costumes, go drink, then Arie will decide who the best dancer is? Or maybe the goal isn’t to be the best dancer but to be the best walker?? I’M SO CONFUSED.

Regardless, they head to a cocktail party and Arie grabs Tia first and she tells him that today was the most insecure freak out moment of her life. She’s having a hard time not comparing herself or their relationship to the others. The best part is Arie’s belief that they have something “cool” and “special”, two words I do not think sound “cool” and “special”. I think Arie briefly talks with Chelsea, who, by the way, is a 29 YEAR OLD WITH A CHILD and is the opposite of Bekah, the 22 year old free spirit. Arie talks with Bekah the Bully and tells her that Miss Janet thought that she had personality. She tells Arie that she would have been bummed to miss this date, but also was bummed that she didn’t get a one-on-one, so all around, she’s BUMMED. And finally, Seinne couldn’t have asked for a better date…other than the one-on-one at the HARD ROCK CAFÉ.

Arie returns to the girls and tells them that this was the “best after party they’ve ever had.” Bekah the Bully gets the group date rose even though she was not the best dancer and also I find her fully annoying now. They all head back to the Moulin Rouge, but Arie and Bekah go backstage to get changed – he back into his weird ass cape, and she into an entirely new costume than she had this afternoon. The rest of the women get a table directly next to the bathroom it seems to watch as Arie, who is objectively not a great performer, and Bekah simply walk ten feet. It’s uncomfortable to watch and I don’t like it and it’s over now so thank god.

Back on the boat, Krystal says that she’s confident that she’ll be on the two-on-one, but she’s also confident that she has a leg up? She’s going to go into whatever conversation she has with Arie with confidence. There’s a knock on the…boat door? It’s the date card and of course: “Two women, one rose, one stays one goes. Kendall, Krystal: We’ll always have Paris…Arie” I KNOW WE’RE NOT THERE YET BUT LITERALLY THEY LEAVE PARIS FOR THIS DATE, THIS DATE CARD IS A SHAM.

Anyway, Kendall is freaking out while Krystal literally says “it is what it is.” Krystal thinks she’s fun wife material, which Kendall doesn’t dispute and Kendall even says that Krystal knows Arie better than she does? Gotta give it up to Kendall for being pretty self aware. Kendall also says that Krystal is going into this date very prepared. HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU PREPARE FOR A DATE WITH THE DEVIL?

They show up at a chateau, which is definitely not in Paris, and Arie leads them on a chateau tour, even though, he’s likely never been there before either. In his confessional, he says that today is going to be awkward, but he hopes it will give him more clarity. Then he straight up says that this date is Krystal’s second chance and with Kendall, there are a lot of questions. We find out that Kendall has never been in love just as they’re entering and outdoor maze and I WANT TO GO THERE SO BADLY. The goal is to find Arie, which does not seem like a great prize, but okay.

Let me just pause here for a moment and let you all know how extremely disheartening this season has been. I loved Arie. Loved him SO much. When he lost Emily, my heart BROKE for him. I mean it didn’t, I’m not a crazy person who thinks this is all real, but I am a person that loved Arie on Emily’s season. What a true DISAPPOINTMENT that he has turned out to have literally no sparkle on the screen. I chalk it up to him being a shy person and also to the producers for literally showing him less than they’re showing Jacqueline? But I digress. HE’S BORING, I’M AWARE, PEOPLE.

Arie takes Krystal to go sit down and talk, or not really sit down, because whatever Krystal is doing leaves her ass fully up in the air not even touching the bench that they’re on. Krystal tells Arie that “this has been pretty brutal”. Hmm. Arie tells her that he’s not punishing her by bringing her on this two-on-one, but I kinda wish he were. Basically they talk about how he wishes she came to him when she had a problem with him, not just freaking out in front of the rest of the women. Then Krystal describes “all the color and texture and depth of our relationship”, which is just the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

Then Krystal goes on to basically ask Arie why Kendall is on this date because Kendall’s never been in love. She doesn’t think that Kendall would be emotionally ready and I’m just over here wondering why these bitches still think that spending your time with the bachelor talking about another woman has ever been a good idea?!? Krystal loved her conversation with Arie and says it feels like she was working through a challenge with her boyfriend, which makes me very sad and also laugh at the same time. She’s not nervous at all because she feels 99% sure that Kendall’s going home. I love that even in her most absurdly egotistical moments, she can’t even get to 100%.

Kendall and Arie sit down and Kendall says that she doesn’t feel as stressed out as she expected to, which is good. She doesn’t believe that there’s a specific time or timeline when she wants to get married, but she can see marriage and a future with Arie. It’s a VERY quick chat, but Arie does weirdly reveal that Krystal voiced her own concerns about Kendall, so Kendall is a little confused, rightly so. Kendall walks back to rejoin Krystal and, I mean, the girl just gets straight to the point, you gotta give it to her.

Immediately Kendall wants to know why Krystal told Arie what she told him and she also just says that it seems like it’s just about winning for Krystal. She straight up asks her why she said that she wouldn’t be ready for marriage and Krystal fully does not respond. Then Kendall delivers a SERMON and tells Krystal that she’s dated someone like her before. She learned that saying the most hurtful thing doesn’t necessarily mean you win and then she sits even closer to Krystal to tell her that she knows she’s been through a lot, but she needs to stop trying to control everything. Kendall goes on to tell Krystal that she’s imperfect and that’s amazing. SAY. IT. LOUDER. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. IN. THE BACK. PREACH, Kendall. I love Kendall, she’s a damn star.

Krystal “doesn’t really have words” because she just got slapped across the face with some truth. The words she does muster up are just that it’s “refreshing to hear your viewpoint on your readiness for marriage”. LOL. Arie returns to them just moments later to tell them that he hasn’t quite made his decision yet so he’s going to bring them both to dinner. Clearly he did this just to see if Krystal would freak out again and she low key does. THIS FEELS FUCKED UP TO HER.

They head back to Paris, finally, and Krystal says that she didn’t even care earlier when Kendall was offering all of her wisdom. Kendall and Krystal get to sit down alone in this weird little building with the perfect view of the Eiffel Tower. Krystal, for some reason, tells Kendall that they actually don’t know each other, but they have similar beliefs. Kendall shuts it down RIGHT AWAY and says that they may have similar beliefs, butt hey present them in very different ways. Krystal has no real retort to that so she just tells Kendall that it was a little patronizing earlier today. Kendall thinks Krystal has a hard time connecting with people but Krystal DOES NOT.

Finally Arie joins them, which is good, because I was just about to turn this off because I hate Krystal so much. He toasts to a great day, lol, and Krystal tells him that she and Kendall were just talking about the highs and lows of this journey and how it’s “indescribable”, but it’s magical and worth it. I mean, no, that’s not what happened, but okay. I am genuinely concerned that Krystal might be an actual sociopath? It’s unbelievably uncomfortable and I hate it so much.

Back on the boat, the women talk about how they think the date is going. Here’s Tia’s take: “If Kendall’s bag goes and Krystal’s bag stays, I might as well just jump in a river.” She’s god’s gift truly. Bekah the Bully chimes in with a poignant “no one though Trump was gonna win the election either.” Dude. No. I need Bekah’s political input just about as much as I need Trump’s.

Back at this awkward ass dinner: I’ve either missed several minutes of footage or they really don’t show any, but either way KENDALL GETS THE ROSE. I could literally jump for joy. SHE’S GONE. THE WITCH IS DEAD. BAI. Arie grabs Kendall and they leave and Krystal just sits there with her face completely and totally frozen in this creepy ass smile looking at the Eiffel Tower. The PA assigned to the job this week gets to go and get Krystal’s luggage from the boat and literally the girls are REJOICING. Popping champagne, cheering, the whole nine yards. I honestly think that this will be their favorite memory from the entire season.

Kendall and Arie head to the Eiffel Tower and HER POOR ROSE. OMG. They get to the top and it’s clearly very windy because Kendall is carrying simply a stem. There are no petals to be found whatsoever, it’s incredible. They have an extremely intense make out atop one of these wonders of the world while Krystal sings her swan song. Krystal truly can’t even muster up a single tear and says that she doesn’t need love to feel fulfilled, which is probably a good attitude to have, considering. BAI KRYSTAL, WE WILL NOT MISS YOU.

Now, time for a date with Jacqueline? Should I care about this? Jacqueline says that she feels like she got a pony on this date, but if she doesn’t figure out how to ride the pony by the end of the date, it’ll get shot. Okay, I’m definitely on board with Jacqueline now. Arie picks her up from the boat in a cool vintage car that breaks down absolutely immediately. For their date they go shopping, but maybe they’re just going shopping for him? Arie says that he likes Jacqueline because she’s very funny and goofy, but she’s super intelligent and interesting. I take major issue with that “but”, but whatever.

They were apparently shopping for Jacqueline and she gets to leave the store with a nice dress, which is fun, I suppose. This is the first moment I realize that as much as I may like Jacqueline’s attitude, I cannot forgive her for the amount of times she has already and will continue to touch her hair. It’s UNREAL. How her head is not a greasy mess is beyond me. The two of them head to dinner at 2:00pm, which I know you could just call lunch, but they’re clearly trying to pass this off as a romantic dinner. They’re in this old, old building and it’s very dark and honestly doesn’t look that great. It’s called Maxims? Should I know what this is?

Jacqueline tells Arie that today felt so good and she doesn’t want it to end. Arie is very happy that he’s making Jacqueline’s Paris dream come true, which is not what she said, but okay. She gets nervous, so she just grabs his face and kisses him. Not a bad move. They have this LENGTHY conversation and just run around in circles, but I guess it ends up okay? Basically, Jacqueline eventually wants to go back to school, but that’s going to take 6 years and she’s worried about that and so is he, but like they need to chill. They do have a weirdly natural chemistry, only weird because she’s literally never been on this show before. Arie doesn’t want to hold her back, which I don’t know how he would be, but suddenly Jacqueline wants to cry and I’m all confused??? She tells a producer that she doesn’t know if she’ll get the privilege to keep dating him and doesn’t want to say goodbye.

It’s a conversation that makes me, and likely everyone else watching, think that they’re just not going to work because she has to go back to school, but he doesn’t want to be dating someone in school? It’s SO CONFUSING I CAN’T GET OVER IT. Anyway, she gets a rose because apparently they’ve talked everything through. It’s v weird.

ROSE CERMONY TIME. Becca is really nervous for tonight, Tia is rocking a jumpsuit, and the place they’re at so COOL AF. Lauren is struggling with thinking about the other girls’ connections and just wants everyone to go home. Do we think Lauren might be kind of a bitch? Is that her personality? Anway, congrats to Tia, Seinne, and Becca. BAI to Jenna and Chelsea! I will miss Jenna, that crazy bitch, even though I saw her and Arie speak literally not even once. Chelsea didn’t see it coming and kind of neither did I. Also, she’s ROCKING the dress she has on tonight, I’m loving it. I assumed she’d stick around for awhile after Krystal because who will the villain be now? Arie bids adieu to the two women and tells the remaining six that they’re going to Tuscany!

Then we cut to a “scene” I’ve never seen on this show where the girls are all just talking about what just happened. Bekah, Becca, and Kendall are all surprised that Chelsea went home while Lauren is fully unraveling. We’re watching this basically from another room, but Lauren is apparently very pissed off and talking to a producer who we can’t see and it’s all very weird.

Next week on The Bachelor: The Leaning Tower of Pisa! Becca gets another date, Kendall is scared, and Lauren is afraid to lose Arie. Bekah M. is now the one falling apart, as is Jacqueline. Literally EVERYONE is crying including Arie. Later this season: someone wants to propose to Lauren, Tuscany changes everything, and a very random man shows up! See ya then!